A Secret There I Keep...

I sat beneath the window sill
And whispered to the moon,
"I know that I am not alone
Within this tiny room.
My lover, he will come for me
Just watch--it will be so.
He will be here any time,
And with him I shall go.
Perhaps you think me foolish
To have such a design,
But I think you are just jealous, moon,
Because this lovers mine."
But deep inside my dreamy heart
A secret there I keep--
A shadow, just a whisper of,
The things I used to dream.
And as I sit below the moon,
Small questions fill my mind.
I will wait for you, my love,
But are you really mine....

Gone

The Dreamer:
I've gone into a regionWhere few have dared to go.
I left, my loves, at midnight
And trod the whitened stones.
Why did I leave, you ask me?
Lean close, I'll whisper in your ear.
I left because a heartbeat
Said he loved me, I was dear.
He met me in the silken dark
Upon a winged horse.
And when he asked, 'Come with me?'
I said, 'My dear, of course....'

To Stay, or Not to Stay

I am facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life. What four year college do I want to transfer to?

My major is music performance. I am finishing up my first year at Lakeland Community College, and have one year left until I transfer. I'm doing really well--I've got A's in every subject and I'm entering a speech competition in December as part of my speech class.

I have considered several local colleges. Some of them include Cleveland State, The John Carroll University, Kent State, and Lake Erie College. They are all fantastic colleges, and they are wise choices. However, none of them really have the music program I am looking for.

I started looking out of state. Some of my dearest family lives in New York. I originally thought of transferring to Dutchess Community College, where my cousin goes, and then transferring to Pace, a fantastic Christian college where several of my New York friends go. However, that didn't seem to be the right direction. My eyes were drawn to Pennsylvania, to a college called Messiah. I have yet another friend who goes there and he has a job as a DJ for the college's radio program. Messiah had me hooked for awhile--until I read that they mostly focus on chamber music. This isn't exactly my style.

My best friend, Debbie, told me about a different school, still in Pennsylvania, called Bible Bethel College. I am still hooked on this college. It has everything I am looking for. Good music, good studies, and best of all, I'd be getting the wholesome Bible influence that I sorely need.

My mind has been pretty much made up.

But, then I met this boy....

Yes, I know what you're thinking. She's gonna screw her life over a guy. Same old story, different storyteller.

Wait a tick. There is one more college on my mind. Its called Baldwin Wallace College, and it specializes in music. Several people have told me about it. Its incredibly expensive, so I would have to get a scholarship or grant, but I'm fairly certain I could do that.

Yet, my gut tells me that's the wrong choice.

I can't get Bible Bethel out of my mind. It just seems like the perfect place for me. I need to get away from my family for awhile. It would be such a good experience for me. To speak frankly, anything in Ohio I consider to be way too close to my family, especially my mom. I know she means well, but she worries too much and it gets on my nerves.

In short, I think I will continue with my plans and go to Bible Bethel. I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack from people...especially my Special Friend's friends. But I made these plans before I met him, and I'm not giving my passion up for anyone.

I already gave it up for 16 long years. Never again will I allow that to happen. And if my Special Friend understands at all...then he won't mind waiting. If he's half the man I think he his...then he'll encourage me to do my thing and own myself. He'll want me to accomplish my dream and then come back to him. Give and take. Its what a relationship is all about. If he doesn't do that, then it will be good for me to go far away to forget him.

Its time for me to spread my wings and fly.

May the frets be with you.

This is me, attempting to play this awesome song. As the credits show, I do not own this song, it is owned by the band 'Train'.

I've been trying to find my own style. I think I like the hat and jacket. It fits the bluesy-jazzy feeling. A lot of my own music fits this category. Eventually, I will get around to posting some of my own melodies. However, I want to make sure its safe.

This was a relatively easy song to learn. The melody is fairly simple. It took me about 30 minutes to learn.

Hopefully, you'll enjoy this.

May the frets be with you.

I think...

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Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

So today I visited the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Lemme tell you, if you haven't been there, then you need to go!!

It was mind-blowing to see famous guitars--like Led Zepplin guitars, the guitar that John Lennon drew on, Bruce Springsteen guitars, the list is endless. I was in seventh heaven with the classic rock streaming in the back ground and oodles of music memorabilia.

But.

You know what turned me on the most? The notebooks. I was practically screaming when I was looking at the notebook pages of famous singers...the notebooks where their songs were first created. Guess what? Their lyrics were written down just like the way I write mine down. AND THEY DOODLED!!!!!! I know this must sound crazy to you, but I have a thing for seeing what famous songs once looked like. To see the scribbles and cross outs and doodles are inspiring to me. It reminds me that these songs made it through, and so mine have a pretty good chance as well, despite the eraser marks and dog ear corners.

I saw some pretty amazing things...costumes, which included Michael Jackson's infamous white glove, suits worn by The Who, authentic Mick Jagger weirdness, and a thousand other incredible looking outfits and accessories...and I watched a 15 minute film that showed the history of Rock and Roll, all the way back to the era when things were slow and steady, to the time of swing and jazz, past the rollicking country guitarists, up to Elvis, with that jet black hair and killer smile, and on to several bands which helped make the rock and roll sound famous.

It was a sensory overload. My mind and eyes and mouth (from stretching it too wide open) hurt like crazy when I finally walked out of there.

Rest assured, I'm going back.

May the frets be with you.

Under Pressure

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it is being pushed into something I do not want to do. I am a slow person. I like to understand all intents and meanings before making a move. I need to know what's going to happen afterward. I need to know who will be there, and who won't.

Unfortunately for me, I become easily attached to people--especially boys and young men. Its something I cannot control, although I've tried, and it happens before I even realize what's going on. It comes from that innate desire to be loved and accepted. I say it is unfortunate because of the many times my feelings have been exploited by others. I turn out to just be an ego boost, nothing more. While the attachment is going on, more times than not I am pressured into doing or saying something I don't really want to because I think that its the only way I will keep them. I think that it is the only way to be 'accepted'.

You see, I have this very real fear about not being good enough. I am not acceptable, I am not loveable, I am, at most, likeable, but only to a certain extent. Because I am honest enough to voice this fear, some people get the idea that they want to be my savior. They want to give me all that I've never had. This also is an ego boost. It has nothing to with me at all, its the good feeling it gives them that keeps them going. However, eventually their mood changes and because they have 'given' me so much, they feel that I should be giving back. In short, they pressure me into saying or doing something I do not want to do.

I have a real problem with people who throw the word 'love' around. Its wrong to use that sacred word for manipulation and control. Love is something that comes with time, knowledge, and experience. It comes from a deep foundation, a holy foundation created by the God of us all. The greatest gift, Jesus Christ, was given out of love. God did not use His love to pressure us into saying 'I love you' back. He gave us the free choice of saying yes OR no.

I may have never been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but I've been very close to people who have. I've watched firsthand what can happen when the relationship is built on the wrong reasons. I can guarantee you that I will not be taken in, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, abused, manipulated, fooled, and pushed into unwanted behavior. I am NOT a possession. I belong to no one, save Jesus Christ. I am my own person. I do not need a man.

In short, I'm tired of feeling pressured.

If you know me at all, then you should know that my faith is my most valued possession. I will not allow that to be compromised, even if it means giving up people or objects.

1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

He's looking out for me, you know, and if you don't fit in then you don't get in.

Proverbs 4:23:

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

I'm looking out too. I may not be made out of porcelain, but my heart is. Its delicate and can't afford to be handled by rough hands.

1 John 3:9:

No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.

See that? That means you better dare not pressure me because I'm good. I am 'of God'. I have no room nor time for sin.

2 Corinthians 2:11:

So that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.

I am most definitely not going to be sucked in by Satan. He's out to get me. Satan's a heck of a lot worse than any guy, so you can be sure that I will not be ignorant of their designs either.

John 10:10:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Jesus Christ rescued me from a horrible situation. He gave me my life back. He's taking care of me. He's watching out for me. He loves me. I'm not about to go and ruin it and give up the grace and love that He gave me and continues to give me on a daily basis.

Hebrews 11:1-40:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ...

I have great faith in my Father-God. He keeps me safe, gives me everything I need, and loves me like I'm His perfect jewel. I don't have to see Him. I feel Him. I know Him. I love Him.

2 Timothy 2:1-26:

You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. ...

I am strengthened by my LORD and Savior. He is perfect. He never pressures. He gives me free choice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, to all my friends out there and to my closest loved ones, quit pressuring me. Give me space. Give me time. I'm still trying to find myself. And if you really do love me, you'll respect that and back off.

I have a lot of love to give.

But I refuse to be pressured into giving it.