For my entire life I've struggled with positive body image. As a teenager, I saw myself as inferior and ugly in comparison to the other girls my age who rocked short shorts and belly button tops. Girls who could 'get away with it' and 'pull it off'.
I pretend I've beaten my skewed view and that I am confident in the person I am today. At least, I really believed I'd moved on and accepted positive body power. That is, until last weekend.
My husband and I are huge Nerds and one of our favorite pastimes is going to the medieval faire when it's in town. We do the whole shebang - costumes, back stories, accents. We have it down pat.
This year we were accompanied by my friend, Opal. Each weekend features a different theme and last weekend was time travel/steampunk. Being the dedicated fans we are, Opal and I went full on Doctor Who. I was the 10th doctor (insert romantic sigh here) and Opal was my Tardis.
The day started off wonderful and we were waved at and recognized. Things took a downward turn though, as Opal and I seperated from my Jedi Knight. As we were walking down the path, we heard one of the faire folk yelling at us. We thought he was complimenting our costumes, but once we got closer we heard him shout:
'You two need to switch costumes!' He shouted.
'Why?' Opal asked.
'Because,' He said gesturing my way, 'She's bigger than you and would make a better box.'
We were flabbergasted that he would say something like that. I shrugged it off and said it was whatever, but it bothered me. Obviously it bothered me enough because here I am writing about it.
That's not the first time I'd felt humiliated about my size. A few years earlier when I had just started going to the faire with Link, we met up some of his friends and as we were walking I heard them whispering 'Why is he with her? She's so much bigger than he is.'
After the box comment, the rest of the day was ruined and I fought back tears and I stood there feeling stupid for even trying to be cool. All I wanted was to hide.
I know some of you are probably thinking 'you can't let it bother you, it shouldn't matter'. You're right. It shouldn't matter. But it does because my size has been used to make me feel bad and guilty.
And I realized, I body shame myself. I catch myself saying things like:
'You wouldn't know it now, but I used to be thin'
'I can't wear long boots because my legs are too fat'
'Don't mind me, I'm a fatty mcfat-fat'
And I sit there clutching a pillow to my stomach so I hope no one will notice the way my tummy rolls when I sit down.
Yes, I am fat. I'm not unhealthy, I'm just chubby. I've got extra on my tummy that I've been trying for years to make disappear. I live with a body that has been used and abused for years due to my unhealthy mental perception of myself.
But the truth is, even when I was smaller, I still perceived myself as overweight and unattractive.
The reason I can't wear long boots is because my calves are thick due to heritage and my legs are strong and muscular. They are stronger than my husband's legs, and he is a fit man. But because they are thicker, I perceive them as fat and therefore undesirable.
The box comment was a huge blow to my self esteem and the time and effort I have put into changing the way I view myself.
When it really comes down to it, why does it matter if I'm bigger or smaller on the outside in comparison to others?
Shouldn't what's inside matter most? That my love is bigger than prejudice and hate? That my honor is bigger than manipulation and lies? That my intelligence is stronger than click bait sensationalism and media driven propaganda?
That my strength is bigger than these negative comments that both myself and others tell me?
I used to kid myself that if I was thinner, I'd be happier.
Happiness is not quantified by body mass.
I have so much more to offer this place than just my body fat.
How about happy mcjoy-joy instead of fatty mcfat-fat?
Maybe?
(And yes, I'd make a pretty awesome Tardis because I'm a pretty awesome fan)
May the frets be with you.
