In The Words Of...

This morning I was browsing the all powerful Internet. I was looking for an inspirational quote to use as a status on my blog's Facebook page. Click. Click. Click. I wanted something that really spoke to me, something that was powerful.

Click.

Whoosh!

You know those moments when you feel like you been struck by lightening, or that you walked right into an invisible wall and had the breath knocked out of you? 

Ladies and gentleman, meet my invisible wall:

What a powerful quote and an even more extraordinary idea. 

I was kind of dumbfounded and my little peewee brain struggled with the emotions I have been harboring for years - resentment, loss, and hate.

Ever had people hanging on your arms and all of them want you to do something different? Well, that is how I have felt for a very long time. As if my wrists had been bound my this invisible leather and these skeletal  hands with long bony fingers grabbed at my elbows stopping my blood flow and rendering me helpless.

Resentment. Loathing. You name it, its a dangerous load to carry around.

But I have always felt that if I just let it go, that they won. I felt like someone needed to remember the bad things, the bone breaking moments. I didn't want it to be like none of it ever happened because then what was the point of it all?

But I suppose that by harboring the hate, I really am giving into what they wanted in the first place. They say misery loves company, and I can agree with that. The person who brings you down must be altogether desperate and miserable.

Where ever you are in life, I encourage you to remember these wise words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. No man or woman should get the enjoyment of seeing you suffer while their pain holds you hostage.

Don't go there, you are better than that.

And so am I.

Break the bonds that bind you, 
Let the shadows flee your sight
For though Misery loves company,
She cannot withstand a fight.

May the Frets be with you.

A Re-Imagining

I don't know how many people read my blog. I don't know if I reach anyone or if my ramblings remain mostly hidden and unnoticed in the vast inter-webs of the Internet. At first, I never cared. In fact, I preferred a certain level anonymity because I often felt so exposed after writing a blog post. This sharing of myself with unseen eyes was a frightful thing and it left me feeling so vulnerable. Sometimes I still feel that way. My hands get shaky and my heart races and I panic and think 'oh, I shouldn't have written that!', but I calm myself and remember that it's ok. What's done is done.

I am a private person. I have to like you an awful lot to spill my guts to you. I guard myself night and day, waiting for a surprise assault. I can predict every possible thing that could go wrong. My fiancee would tell you that I have an extreme distaste for chairs facing away from the window. I like to sit in corners where I can see everything and still have an escape route. I have several plans in place in case a mysterious person showed up and tried to kill me. Paranoia? You don't know the half of it. I keep my secrets like I keep myself - guarded and away from exposing areas.

And here I am - completely disregarding everything I just typed and sharing a part of myself. It's still safe, though, because I use a different name and don't post where I am from. You know me as Ravven.

Ravens are beautiful birds. They live an average of 21 years in the wild (some up to 40 in captivity!), they have an omnivorous diet and are opportunistic in regards to finding food. The raven has also been proven to be unusually intelligent and has been romanticized by great authors including Edgar Allen Poe. When a raven mates, it mates for life and if their mate dies, they live a life in solitude.

There is a dark romance to a raven. To the general population they are pests, but to the right person they are a majestic creature surrounded in mystery and darkness. It takes a special person to see the beauty and awe in a raven.

My mother used to call me Canary when I was growing up. The canary is typically bright yellow and can sing the most beautiful tunes. They are positively lovely and the species makes an excellent pet. They are good with kids and are easy to handle. My mother called me Canary because I was a bright child who liked to sing and dance and be graced by the sunlight.

Somewhere along the line, the Canary grew up and lost her luster and stopped craving for the sunlight.

In our lives we experience things that change us. They aren't all bad changes, but regardless of that we become a different person. I grew up and became a different person.

I am an unconventional beauty but it took me a long time to realize that. I still love to sing. I still love to dance. Of course I am still me and deep inside, somewhere, the canary still tweets.

And yet...
 
I hate myself. There, I said it. Don't tell me I am wrong, I know that! I hate myself because I have no self confidence. I let opportunities pass me by all the time. I blame others for my lack of action and then am disgusted for being so gutless.  I hate that even though I can put on a good face, deep inside I am quaking at this thing called 'friendship' because I know somewhere along the line I will do something unintentional and mess it up. I want to do the right thing so bad and yet I second guess every step of the way. I still care about what other people think even though I will swear that 'I'm not about that life.' And I am so afraid of myself and who I am that I would rather hide behind a screen, in the dark because what if I fail? What if I embarrass myself? I don't know your world! I don't know how to be something I am not! I don't even now who I am!

And then I realized - this is my chance! A chance to re-imagine myself. A chance to change all of that and use it to my advantage. A chance to use my darkness not to cast shadows but to provide shade. A chance to use my tangled scars not to provoke confusion but to provide a road map to a better place. A chance to use my paranoia not to save myself but to save others.

My wingtips blackened from the night, caught the wind and caught the light
And whisked me from the hands that wished to stake my soul.
That place became my burial site, for a brand new Ravven came to life
And when they question what my name and life is called heretofore,
I answer, 'I am Ravven, evermore.
I shall be broken nevermore!' 

I re-imagined myself.

And Ravven was born - strong, beautiful, majestic Ravven, a triumph of her past and a Guardian of the Lost.

I don't know how many people see this, but I do care now, because wherever you are along the road of Life, it is never to late to re-imagine yourself! You can change the very fabric of your soul, the very entity of your being! Today when I walk away from this blogpost, I am not going to have shaky hands or baited breath. I am going to go sit at the window and take in the sun. I am not going to imagine my death, I am going to imagine my life.

I am powerful.

So are you.

Re-imagine yourself.

You are so much more than what you give yourself credit for.

I will not live in fear or darkness.

Will you?


May the Frets be with you.

What Lies Inside

I firmly believe that a great portion of errant behavior and misguided mistakes could have been avoided if someone, somewhere, had told the lost person 'you are good enough' or 'I love you' or 'I will be there for you' and then followed through and gave them a reason to believe it.

People now a days are always out with something to prove, be it power, strength, money, will, sex, intelligence, etc. There is a constant pressure to be bigger and better. You must do this to become this and don't look back and don't falter and for God's sake get your act together because you can't just be a human.

Through the ages, men and women have power-played each other to get the upper hand. Today we have a steadily growing vice of feminism sweeping the nation. As a women myself, I am all for women's rights. I do believe we should be treated equally and be respected. We should not have to fear sleeping in our own beds or going to the local grocery store or taking a high position in a company. Women have a lot to offer the world. However, I can't be classified as a feminist. I disagree with the hardcore manhaters. Women are different than men. We think and behave differently and our level of reasoning and coming to a decision is pretty much a different way of life than that of a man. How could you expect them to be the same and demand the same? More importantly, how dare you?

Women have gifts that men do not. Time has shown us that we are mighty teachers, lovers, healers, and most importantly, mothers. We possess a gift that no man can ever know: motherhood. Yet so many women are mortified with the idea of motherhood. I was told once that I was wasting myself getting married so young and planning on children. I beg your pardon but if you want to be out there in the world, please do so but respect the fact that my wants are different than yours.

So what made women scorn their own identity? Well, obviously, they were just not good enough being who they were. Decades of being told where they belonged and how they were to behave and at the same time degrading their positions and belittling what they are capable of - what would you expect?

I feel sorry for the men. Men have a lot to deal with in the face of this radical society that we live in. They need to be better providers, smarter businessmen, more dedicated fathers and husbands. They must never screw up, never think twice, and must never break down. They do not cry, they do not whine, and if they do shame on them! Society teaches boys not to cry or show emotion and then condemns them for being heartless. Does anyone else see a problem here?

Enough with men and women. They are hopeless. Hopeless because they refuse to change. They are too ashamed of who they are.

Let's talk about children. Let's talk about bullying.

It is one of the most heinous crimes I can think of. It has some of the most devastating outcomes. Children are so impressionable. They take so much of the bad things to heart. How many times has your child told you they were being bullied? How many times have you seen the signs? What have you done to stop it?

Childhood is where the first seed of self hatred is planted. It blossoms through middle school and typically reaches its peak in high school. Have you ever listened to the snide comments children say?

'You're so ugly, go kill yourself!'

"God, you are so goddamn disgusting. Please move out of the way so I don't catch something."

"Was I talking to you? No. I rather talk to a wall, then be caught dead talking to someone as low as you."

"Hey, you may not notice this but you're kind of poor. Like really, really poor. Kind of trashy too."

"That was your mother? HA! That?! Well everything makes sense now."

 "Listen, if I were you, I would have killed myself a long, long time ago." 

Have you done anything to stop it? When they come home at night do you tell them its going to be ok? That they are just bullies that they have to ignore? That doesn't work. Bullies don't go away because you ignore them. Have you considered what that bullied child is going to grow up to become? The cycle is never ending.

And bullies don't have to be at school. They can be parents, teachers, coaches, friends, pastors, employers, etc. They are everywhere.

I can tell you from experience that when someone goes out of their way to make you feel worthless and  disgusting that feeling stays with you. You either fight it your whole life or you end up believing it. Sometimes, it's a little of both.

You give up your identity because you are ashamed of it and you go off into the world with a chip on your shoulder and something to prove. And not for one second can you look back or mess up because then you know they were right!

I suppose this blogpost has turned into a bit of a ramble and I apologize for that. Sometimes it is hard for me to clearly state something that I feel so passionate about. I see these things everyday. I watched it happen in my own family. It is devastating.

Be kind to the people around you. You very well might be the only kindness they see today. Try to remember that you don't know what's going on in someone else's life.

How different this world be if the cold shoulders, the disapproving stares, and the confirmation of self depricating words were never shown or spoken.

How different indeed.

We struggle every day in this world. Wouldn't it be so much easier if men and women could accept the differences they have and live in harmony? If we could learn to work together, our strengths and weaknesses would balance each other out. We wouldn't have to struggle so much.

We'd probably even like ourselves.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."– Ralph Waldo Emerson

What lies within you?

Yourself or the self society dictates you be?

May the Frets be with you.

In The Flesh

Depression

I have struggled with depression all my life. As long as I can remember I have always had this profound feeling of sadness and emptiness - a lack of worth and a lack of life. That's not to say that I do not feel happiness, because I do! I experience joy and euphoria just like anybody else. And yet, I struggle...

I can tell you all the signs. That feeling of utter hopelessness. Not caring what you look like. Being excessively hungry or having no interest in food. Sleeping way too much or way too little. Nightmares. Self loathing and neglect. The list goes on for awhile and can be different according to each person.

I can tell you all the things you can do to 'beat' depression. Exercise! Eat healthy foods and drink lots of water. Time your sleep schedule. Take your vitamins. Get a hobby. Spend time with family and friends and avoid isolation. Have safe sex and lots of it. Take medication. This list goes on for awhile too.

Chronic and clinical depression are very real things, despite the many people that wish to discredit you and inform you that you need to just 'get over it' and 'move on'. My favorite is 'stop feeling sorry for yourself.'

Do you experience highs and lows? I do. Some days I'll be just fine and everything is going perfect. My sky is blue. Other days I can barely lift the corner of my lips to form that fake smile. I don't care that my hair is dirty, I just pin it up so I don't have to look at it. I either starve myself or binge eat. I avoid eye contact, don't start conversations and just generally am 10x more sarcastic than usual. None of my clothes fit right because I am so disgustingly overweight and I hate myself. I stop sleeping and when I do, I have the most horrific nightmares you could imagine. Actually, you couldn't imagine because I don't even know how my brain creates the monsters that it does.

Each time my low points get worse. They last longer and are more intense.

At this time, I have reached a low point. A really low point. It was set off a few days ago. My anxiety is at it's max and it's hard to type with how my hands shake. I fight every morning to get up and start the day after a bloody nightmare wakes me. My latest nighmare was so horrible that in my dream I was aware I was dreaming and was screaming for someone to please wake me up.

And I guess that's pretty much how I feel when I am depressed. I want someone to come and wake me up because I feel so distant and out of control.

I refuse to take any meds. So far in my journey, I find a way to pull myself out. I fight it! I refuse to let it win.

I can't change the fact that it's here.

But I can change how it controls me.

My fiance is understanding. He knows when I reach my points. He gently assures me that it's going to be ok. He never prods. He never tip toes either - at least not that I notice. He carries on life and makes me participate. He has long conversations with me even though I don't respond. He says he knows that if he keeps talking I'll eventually answer. He reasons with me when I start my self hating. He explains away my nightmares until they seem like a little rain cloud instead of a devastating storm.

When I reach this point, I hurt really bad. Everything that haunts me is right there in my ear, reminding me.

I did get therapy once, a long time ago. To cope with the trauma, my therapist taught me to envision a room with walls covered in tiny cubbie-holes. In each cubbie-hole lived a little shoebox and in each shoebox I had put a either  a stressor, a memory, or a fear. At the end of the room, there is a giant padlocked door. In that room, all my darkest secrets and memories live. Everything is organized and I have complete control over what I allow out of the box.

When I hit my low point, it's like all my boxes got upset by an earthquake and they litter the floor of the room - all mixed up. Everything is in an uproar and nothing is in my control. Box by box, I have to put everything away and in doing so, I relive them all.

It is such a relief to have the boxes all organized again. To feel in control. Sometimes, though, I dwell too long on one box and that is what makes the low point last even longer. I'm still learning to let go, still learning how to silence the festering wounds.

I recognize that I am depressed and that helps me fight it. During my low points, I know what I am more susceptible to - self harm being the largest thing. So I am careful and I do my best to avoid opening that box. It's a place I'm not willing to go to again.

If you are depressed, I want you to know that it's ok. It's your normal even if no one else understands. You don't need to be ashamed or feel like a freak. You can fight it too. Everyone copes differently. Find your different. It's up to you to define depression. Don't let depression define you.

And if you aren't depressed but you know someone who is, be compassionate. Be caring. Be willing to listen. Offer to be a friend or companion. Listen.

Please just listen. 

In the midst of my lows, I know I have made it out before. I know there is an end, I'm not stupid. It's the path to getting to the end that hurts.

I've got to put my boxes away. Let them collect dust. Let them become forgotten.

I encourage you to put your boxes away, too.

Above all, share yourself with someone. You might save a life.

You will definitely save yourself.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1 (800) 273-8255

Dealing with Depression: 

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm

May the Frets be with you.