This is a story I wrote for my English class last semester. It's based on the relationship I had with my stand in father 'David' and what it was like for me after he died. If you have ever lost a loved one, I hope as you read this, you will remember that there is always something to live for. For me, it was the belief that David lived on through my music. Every song I write is a tribute to his memory. Your loved one never left, they are just waiting for you on the other side...
Between Heaven and Earth
“You left me! You left me alone just like everyone else has! How could you leave me like this?! What am I supposed to do now? I trusted you, I loved you!”
Thunder crashes. I sit on my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest. I choke on the words as they scream out from the pit of my stomach. My eyes are raw from wiping the tears away, but still they come - as painful as the sharp knife cutting through my heart. Rain pounds on my window and I am afraid for a moment that it will crack.
“You left me. How could you leave me? You told me you would see me soon. I depended on you. I needed you. I need you!”
I close my eyes. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s GONE! Images flash through my mind, a flash of metallic as the sunlight struck it, the rush of normal life…I hear the tires screeching, the desperate gasp, and the sickening sound of metal on metal in the full body collision. The sirens, the screams, the blood, the waiting day after day in agonizing hope…I wonder, what were you thinking in those moments when you knew it was over? Did you think of me? At least it wasn’t your fault…
I rock back in forth on my bed. I run my fingers through my tangled hair and pull it back violently. I reach for the zacto knife kit next to my bed.
“I don’t want to live if you aren’t going to be here!”
***
Breathe in. Breathe out. Are you breathing or are you dreaming? I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are heavy. I feel the thunder as it shakes my room. The lights go off. Maybe I’m dead. I must be. The pain is seeping through my body. I don’t fight it. I let it sweep over me, caressing me with its sharp claws. Cloudy images float through my mind. One of them draws closer and I remember…
***
“You are gonna go far with your music. Keep writing. You’ve got potential and if you keep expanding yourself, you’ll go far. That guitar of yours is an extension of who you are.”
I smile as I read David’s words. “I appreciate your encouragement,” I type back, “I just get so busy that well, you know, life gets in the way of my life. Lol.”
“Excuses,” he replies, “I know that your mom is so proud of you and that she would be more than happy to help you.”
“She does help me. She helps me make my music videos.”
“But how many do you have? Only a few. If you want to be heard, you gotta sing loud. Two or three videos is not singing loud.”
“I know.”
“Well kiddo, I gotta go. Tell your mom that I love her. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Later, David.”
The memory fades out and I smile. David always had encouraged me. He had taken such an interest in my life. And not just in my music - he had been involved in my academic life also.
“Don’t hang out with a bunch of kids who do nothing but party on weekends and get drunk every other night and forget to wear condoms. Contrary to popular opinion, college life is not about partying - it’s about making a career for yourself.”
“Oh I know. I don’t fit in with that crowd anyway. I’m kind of a loner altogether.”
“No, you just haven’t found your niche of people yet.”
“Lol, ok.”
“Your mom says you’re on the dean’s list. That’s great!”
“It’s a lot of work.”
“All good things take work, just wait until you have a boyfriend.”
I smile as I remember his closing statement. I had laughed and told him I would never have a boyfriend. I was a loner.
I laugh, almost like a person possessed. As my body convulses, my pain takes advantage and pushes itself deeper into my body. I lift my head off the wet pillow. Dizzily, I stare at my hand. Lightening flashes, lighting up my whole room. I can barely see straight but I see lots of red. I try to figure out what it is. I touch it and its sticky. Its everywhere, and I try to remember where its coming from. It’s coming from everywhere. I fall back on my pillow, too tired to move. So much red…
***
“So, tell me about this boy I keep hearing about.”
I giggle and respond, “I don’t know who you are talking about.”
“Oh come on, your mom told me.”
“His name is Andrew. He talks to me a lot after class.”
“I’ll bet he does. Pretty girl like you. You tell him he better watch himself. I’ll come knocking on his door.”
“David…”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I know you love my mom, and I know that she doesn’t feel the same way about you even though she cares for you very much.”
“Yes, I do love her.”
“David…?”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I wish you could be my new stepfather.”
“I wish I could too. I would take care of you all and try to repair the hurt that was done to your family. But, you can’t make someone love you. Right now, you’re mom needs a friend and I am more than willing to be that.”
“Mom says you are coming home for the summer.”
“You betcha, and its gonna be awesome. We’ll plan so many things. Well Harmony, I gotta go. But I’m so proud of you, and I will see you soon!”
No, no you won’t see me soon. You will never see me now. My whole life, I had gotten used to people leaving me. No one ever stayed when they said they would and the only thing I ever learned from my stepfather was that I wasn’t good enough and that love always hurt. Then David came into my life and showed me different. But now, he too was gone. Rain, rain, go away….
Breathe out. Breathe in. What did he say? I’m so proud of you. I sob. My heart bursts with emotion. With each beat, my bed gets redder, wetter…
“You would never be proud of me now.”
I have a choice.
You have a choice. Make me proud.
“No! I don’t want to live without you! I can’t bear that you are gone! I can’t deal with it!”
I’m so proud of you.
“Then come back!”
I never left. Live your life. Then come and see me.
I struggle with my pain and with my thoughts. I loved you so much.
I love you, too.
I can hear the storm subsiding outside. Breathe in. Breathe out. I open my eyes.
I don’t have to lose you. I can keep you with me. I move my hand and touch my guitar. After all, music is the bridge between earth and heaven.
The lights come back on.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Why Mess Up A Good Thing? Finding Unshakable Joy
Sometimes in life you are given a chance at happiness. There have been moments in my life when I have been very happy. Things would be going well and I would think there couldn't be anything better that could possibly happen.
With great happiness comes great pain. It is true when they say that nothing lasts forever. What was with you today can be gone from you tomorrow. I have learned this very cruel and cold lesson many times, more than I could care for. However, I would be foolish in believing that I was all alone in that feeling. It could be the loss of a loved one, a disappointment, a lost job, a break up, marriage problems, financial situations, family unrest, sickness, or just a feeling of being overwhelmed. But just as we all know that we each brave these travesties and live them, we also know that eventually the sun will come out again and the world will be made new. You will be able to stand up and lift your head. You will be able to laugh for real, not just because you're trying to hide your pain; and your eyes will shine and not be swollen from tears.
Sometimes, it's hard to accept happiness when it comes your way. I know it can be, for me. My father was killed in an accident before I was born, my stepfather was abusive, and then the man I grew close to and loved like a father after we left my stepfather, also passed away in an accident. It's been a year and two months since he died and I miss him everyday. There is an older man in my life who I would like to love. I would like to look at him as a father figure. I would love to show him my grades and my music and have him tell me I did good. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I look up to him. I wish I could give him a hug. I wish I could have serious talks with him. Something holds me back though - the insecurity that he'll disappear like all the rest. I'm pretty happy with how things are right now. Why take a risk and mess up something good?
For sixteen months, I dated a man who I thought I would be with forever and I thought I was very happy. I loved him like nothing ever before. He was my sunrise, my sunset, and the evening moon. I was willing to do anything for him - and pretty much did. Unfortunately for me, I was too in love and too pig headed to see what was going on. He took advantage of me left and right, stood me up, kept me waiting, chose himself over me, and broke my heart over and over. He would tell me that 'other guys would just leave you because of your problems and issues. I put up with a lot from you and I choose to stay so I deserve some grace.' So I believed him. I believed he was the only one who would 'love' me despite my past. He disrespected me and my family. One day, I found out he was interacting indecently with other females. He was cheating on me. The saddest part is that I knew he was doing so for our whole relationship, but I chose to look the other way and believe his lies. When he told me that it meant nothing and that I was overreacting and then went on to tell me that he could never promise me to not do it again, I knew it was over.
When I was with him, I believed I was 'happy' and that it couldn't get better than it was. After we broke up, I felt I would never be happy again. I felt like the part of my heart that gave me the ability to love was broken.
So now I've been single for two months. It feels like its been longer than two months, but that's because I keep busy. I have close friends I hang out with and a job I work my butt off at. I am very happy. I really am. Right now I believe that it can't really get any better than this. Why mess up something good?
There's a young man who knocks on my front door. I've known him almost a year now. He's quiet and gentle, but fun with a very dry sense of humor. He opens the car door for me (when I let him) and keeps the spiders far away when we walk on the bridge over the river. He plays with my brothers and interacts with my mother. He respects me. He keeps his distance and still treats me like a princess. I consider him one of my best friends. When I was contemplating breaking up with my ex, he was the only one of my friends who didn't tell me what to do. He didn't try to sway me and he didn't call my ex a bunch of bad names. He simply said I had to pray about it and figure it out for myself because if I listened to everyone else, I would never know if it was my choice or not. His parents love me like their own and I am always welcome in their house.
He's an amazing friend. Why mess up a good thing?
Jesus Christ never promised happiness, He promised joy. The joy that comes from serving Him and following His will. I am very happy right now, but I can honestly say that when this happiness subsides, I will still have joy. Like I once wrote before, He is restoring all that was taken from me and healing all that was broken in me. It has taken me awhile, but I have finally realized that happiness is only temporary. Joy is the thing that remains and joy is the reason things can only get better. I am happy with my life and where I am, but I also have great joy.
Why mess up a good thing? I'd rather lose my happiness and keep my joy, so this time around, I'm truly letting God take control. If I'm meant to have a father, he will provide one. Maybe he already has, and I need to let go of my temporary happiness, my security of feeling safe and not vulnerable, so that I can find joy. When I gave up my ex, I had some very unhappy days, but I attained great joy. I'm very happy with the way things are with my friend. Maybe someday that will turn into great joy as well, but I'm leaving that in God's hands.
What I'm trying to tell you is that even if you are struggling and even if you are feeling like you are dying and running out of options, if you look to Him, He will give you great joy. He will give you peace and clarity and direction! Life is not about happiness - it's about living out of love for Him! Your dark moment will pass, but it will be much easier to get through if you possess the unshakable joy of loving the Lord. I can honestly say that if it weren't for the joy He placed in my soul, I wouldn't be here today, to encourage you to lift your eyes and bend your knees. Seek Him!! Love Him!! If you want to be truly happy, if you want a reason to live, then seek the heart of the Lord! His joy is never ending!
Happiness is a feeling, joy is a way of life. With great happiness comes great pain, but pain is also just a feeling.
May the frets be with you.
With great happiness comes great pain. It is true when they say that nothing lasts forever. What was with you today can be gone from you tomorrow. I have learned this very cruel and cold lesson many times, more than I could care for. However, I would be foolish in believing that I was all alone in that feeling. It could be the loss of a loved one, a disappointment, a lost job, a break up, marriage problems, financial situations, family unrest, sickness, or just a feeling of being overwhelmed. But just as we all know that we each brave these travesties and live them, we also know that eventually the sun will come out again and the world will be made new. You will be able to stand up and lift your head. You will be able to laugh for real, not just because you're trying to hide your pain; and your eyes will shine and not be swollen from tears.
Sometimes, it's hard to accept happiness when it comes your way. I know it can be, for me. My father was killed in an accident before I was born, my stepfather was abusive, and then the man I grew close to and loved like a father after we left my stepfather, also passed away in an accident. It's been a year and two months since he died and I miss him everyday. There is an older man in my life who I would like to love. I would like to look at him as a father figure. I would love to show him my grades and my music and have him tell me I did good. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I look up to him. I wish I could give him a hug. I wish I could have serious talks with him. Something holds me back though - the insecurity that he'll disappear like all the rest. I'm pretty happy with how things are right now. Why take a risk and mess up something good?
For sixteen months, I dated a man who I thought I would be with forever and I thought I was very happy. I loved him like nothing ever before. He was my sunrise, my sunset, and the evening moon. I was willing to do anything for him - and pretty much did. Unfortunately for me, I was too in love and too pig headed to see what was going on. He took advantage of me left and right, stood me up, kept me waiting, chose himself over me, and broke my heart over and over. He would tell me that 'other guys would just leave you because of your problems and issues. I put up with a lot from you and I choose to stay so I deserve some grace.' So I believed him. I believed he was the only one who would 'love' me despite my past. He disrespected me and my family. One day, I found out he was interacting indecently with other females. He was cheating on me. The saddest part is that I knew he was doing so for our whole relationship, but I chose to look the other way and believe his lies. When he told me that it meant nothing and that I was overreacting and then went on to tell me that he could never promise me to not do it again, I knew it was over.
When I was with him, I believed I was 'happy' and that it couldn't get better than it was. After we broke up, I felt I would never be happy again. I felt like the part of my heart that gave me the ability to love was broken.
So now I've been single for two months. It feels like its been longer than two months, but that's because I keep busy. I have close friends I hang out with and a job I work my butt off at. I am very happy. I really am. Right now I believe that it can't really get any better than this. Why mess up something good?
There's a young man who knocks on my front door. I've known him almost a year now. He's quiet and gentle, but fun with a very dry sense of humor. He opens the car door for me (when I let him) and keeps the spiders far away when we walk on the bridge over the river. He plays with my brothers and interacts with my mother. He respects me. He keeps his distance and still treats me like a princess. I consider him one of my best friends. When I was contemplating breaking up with my ex, he was the only one of my friends who didn't tell me what to do. He didn't try to sway me and he didn't call my ex a bunch of bad names. He simply said I had to pray about it and figure it out for myself because if I listened to everyone else, I would never know if it was my choice or not. His parents love me like their own and I am always welcome in their house.
He's an amazing friend. Why mess up a good thing?
Jesus Christ never promised happiness, He promised joy. The joy that comes from serving Him and following His will. I am very happy right now, but I can honestly say that when this happiness subsides, I will still have joy. Like I once wrote before, He is restoring all that was taken from me and healing all that was broken in me. It has taken me awhile, but I have finally realized that happiness is only temporary. Joy is the thing that remains and joy is the reason things can only get better. I am happy with my life and where I am, but I also have great joy.
Why mess up a good thing? I'd rather lose my happiness and keep my joy, so this time around, I'm truly letting God take control. If I'm meant to have a father, he will provide one. Maybe he already has, and I need to let go of my temporary happiness, my security of feeling safe and not vulnerable, so that I can find joy. When I gave up my ex, I had some very unhappy days, but I attained great joy. I'm very happy with the way things are with my friend. Maybe someday that will turn into great joy as well, but I'm leaving that in God's hands.
What I'm trying to tell you is that even if you are struggling and even if you are feeling like you are dying and running out of options, if you look to Him, He will give you great joy. He will give you peace and clarity and direction! Life is not about happiness - it's about living out of love for Him! Your dark moment will pass, but it will be much easier to get through if you possess the unshakable joy of loving the Lord. I can honestly say that if it weren't for the joy He placed in my soul, I wouldn't be here today, to encourage you to lift your eyes and bend your knees. Seek Him!! Love Him!! If you want to be truly happy, if you want a reason to live, then seek the heart of the Lord! His joy is never ending!
Happiness is a feeling, joy is a way of life. With great happiness comes great pain, but pain is also just a feeling.
May the frets be with you.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Will You Love Me?
I am not a wise person, and I will never claim to be. I have a foolish heart, a stubborn mind, and a wayward spirit. Will you love me?
I am overweight. I have the curves of a woman, but society condemns me. Will you love me?
I am incredibly bossy. I try not to be, but I am. Will you love me?
I am not a tidy house keeper. I hardly cook. Will you love me?
I had no father. I am always trying to fill that hole and there for I am always guarded and lonely. Will you love me?
I am insecure. I know you're going to leave me, I just know it. You can't want me. I'm worthless. Will you love me?
I have nightmares. I wake up screaming and crying. I never know where I am. I'm terrified of the dark. Will you love me?
I'm a cutter. I have so many scars on my legs and on my arms. Sometimes I still do it, to try and control the pain in my life. Will you love me?
I'm a rape survivor. I am scarred. I'm afraid of human touch, even by those close to me. I carry this with me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind. Will you love me?
I'm an abuse survivor. I startle easily. I flinch. I'm always looking over my shoulder. I am afraid to speak. Will you love me?
I'm a 21 year old college student. I have A and B grades and a 3.0 GPA. I go to all my classes and do all my homework. I participate in class and study for my tests. Will you love me?
I'm a gifted musician. I play guitar and sing and write my own melodies. I record and upload my music and offer it to the world. I give lessons. Will you love me?
I am all these things, and more. I'm letting you see my imperfections, my impurities. I'm letting you see the things I am proud of, but also the things I am ashamed of.
Perhaps you will love me. But then I know, how can you love an unlovable creature? Something that has such hideous scars and a past black as death?
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.
You can't. But He can.
In His eyes, I am not fatherless, alone, abused, neglected, a rape victim, or scarred. He has made me new. He kissed my life and turned those scars into beauty marks. I am not my past. I am a glorious creation. He is restoring all that was taken from me, and healing all that was broken in me. He wants to know all about me. He wants me to babble about my day and come to him when I'm alone and sad. He wants to dry my tears.He wants to laugh with me. He is my best friend, my lover, my salvation.
I don't care whether you decide to accept me and love me.
He loves me. That is all I need.
May the frets be with you.
I am overweight. I have the curves of a woman, but society condemns me. Will you love me?
I am incredibly bossy. I try not to be, but I am. Will you love me?
I am not a tidy house keeper. I hardly cook. Will you love me?
I had no father. I am always trying to fill that hole and there for I am always guarded and lonely. Will you love me?
I am insecure. I know you're going to leave me, I just know it. You can't want me. I'm worthless. Will you love me?
I have nightmares. I wake up screaming and crying. I never know where I am. I'm terrified of the dark. Will you love me?
I'm a cutter. I have so many scars on my legs and on my arms. Sometimes I still do it, to try and control the pain in my life. Will you love me?
I'm a rape survivor. I am scarred. I'm afraid of human touch, even by those close to me. I carry this with me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind. Will you love me?
I'm an abuse survivor. I startle easily. I flinch. I'm always looking over my shoulder. I am afraid to speak. Will you love me?
I'm a 21 year old college student. I have A and B grades and a 3.0 GPA. I go to all my classes and do all my homework. I participate in class and study for my tests. Will you love me?
I'm a gifted musician. I play guitar and sing and write my own melodies. I record and upload my music and offer it to the world. I give lessons. Will you love me?
I am all these things, and more. I'm letting you see my imperfections, my impurities. I'm letting you see the things I am proud of, but also the things I am ashamed of.
Perhaps you will love me. But then I know, how can you love an unlovable creature? Something that has such hideous scars and a past black as death?
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.
You can't. But He can.
In His eyes, I am not fatherless, alone, abused, neglected, a rape victim, or scarred. He has made me new. He kissed my life and turned those scars into beauty marks. I am not my past. I am a glorious creation. He is restoring all that was taken from me, and healing all that was broken in me. He wants to know all about me. He wants me to babble about my day and come to him when I'm alone and sad. He wants to dry my tears.He wants to laugh with me. He is my best friend, my lover, my salvation.
I don't care whether you decide to accept me and love me.
He loves me. That is all I need.
May the frets be with you.
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