Today is the anniversary of my father's death, 22 years ago.This is a paper I wrote about him.
I think the person who has impacted me the most is the one who was missing my whole life, the one who I knew loved me, but whom I was never able to love. The person who wanted me so badly and was never able to have me, the one who I such a mystery to me, but who I know better than many other people I know. The person who helps to explain a great deal about who I am: my daddy.
Charles Donald Decker Jr. grew up in Wappinger’s Falls, New York. He lived a normal childhood with his baby sister, Lisa, and his parents, Patricia and Donald. I love to talk to my Aunt Lisa about him because she tells such great stories, stories about how much trouble they were constantly in. Like one time when Charles and Lisa took turns jumping off their couch onto their coffee table. Was it such a big surprise when the coffee table broke on Charles’ last jump? Probably not to them, but definitely a surprise for their parents! Charles didn’t really like the consequences of jumping on the table -- a spanking! Hoping to avoid the pain, he slipped a book into the seat of his pants. Nice touch I think, but his father did not appreciate it.
How about the time when he and sister were wresting, and they shattered a whole window? I still don’t know the particulars of that one, but it seems that m aunt was to blame for I the most.
My grandmother has interesting stories to tell, also, like when he rolled his peas under the radiator, so he wouldn’t have to eat them, or later on in his teen years when he would take his sister out to for dinner when his mom cooked something they didn’t like.
I hear a lot of stories about my father. Some of them tell of his playfulness or mischievousness, some tell of his physical attributes. He was a very handsome man, and people tell me I look like him. He was tall and thin with dark hair and clear brown eyes. I like to look at his pictures because I see his smile, and it is almost exactly like mine.
My stepfather, Rail, did not like for me to talk about my daddy. Rail refused to even try to be my father, and yet he denied me the knowledge of m real one. Through bits and pieces of conversations I had with people, I tried to piece together an image of my father: what he was like and how he affected the people around him. I got the general impression that he was sweet and kind and gentle. The hardest thing about living with my stepfather was that I knew Rail did not love me, but there was no question that my real daddy had. Family members and friends of his would say:
“Sara, he wanted a baby girl so bad. You were all he wanted! He was so excited! Don’t ever doubt that he didn’t love you or that he doesn’t still. He can see you, even if you can’t see him.”
He loved my mother, too. It was the one thing that always bothered me, not knowing whether they had really been in love. I saw how things were between Rail and my mother. I saw the hate and anger on a daily basis. I had to know whether my daddy had loved my mom. One day I was cleaning out my closet, and I found a box full of their old love letters. I sat down and read them, and I still have not seen evidence of any couple being more in love than they were. The tone, the writing, the poetry, the expression all pointed to a couple madly in love.
I wonder quite a bit about what it would be like if my daddy were around today. I like to think he would wrap his arms around me and say:
“Sara, I am so proud of you. You are everything I hoped you would be.”
My daddy died seven days before I was born. My mom buried his body in the cold, dark ground on a wet, raining Friday. Four days after the funeral, I was born. Fortunately, even though a person’s body is buried, their spirit isn’t. Sometimes I lie awake at night and cry because there is so much about me I don’t understand. There is a void in my life that can’t really be filled. But it is at times like these that I feel a presence, a presence that isn’t god, but is still holy. Every person needs love, and it is hard to live without it. When I just needed a reminder that I was loved, I felt this peace, and I am sure that God let my daddy come down from heaven to remind me.
How has this person impacted me? He has in a lot of ways. First, I see how short life is. He was 22 when he died, which is too young for any person. I want my life to be meaningful, yet fun and enjoyable so that whenever I do die, I will have done what I wanted to.
Second, love and respect are not things to be toyed with. It wasn’t until very recently that I saw respect for who I was in a man’s eyes. I have never seen that before. My daddy was respected by all he knew because he was a good man. I need to be a good woman. I need to stand up for what I believe in, overcome all obstacles, work towards what I want or need without giving up, and be the best friend a person could have. I want to make him proud.
My daddy had fun with his life; he enjoyed it, and that is why I am here in school: to do what I want to do, to become what I know I can become, to follow my heart and my dreams like I know he would have wanted me to. I may not have met my father, but his absence has caused me to think more, to go out and try to find the unknown, to not be afraid to take chances because you may not get a second chance. He has inspired me to live.
May the frets be with you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Between Heaven and Earth
This is a story I wrote for my English class last semester. It's based on the relationship I had with my stand in father 'David' and what it was like for me after he died. If you have ever lost a loved one, I hope as you read this, you will remember that there is always something to live for. For me, it was the belief that David lived on through my music. Every song I write is a tribute to his memory. Your loved one never left, they are just waiting for you on the other side...
Between Heaven and Earth
“You left me! You left me alone just like everyone else has! How could you leave me like this?! What am I supposed to do now? I trusted you, I loved you!”
Thunder crashes. I sit on my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest. I choke on the words as they scream out from the pit of my stomach. My eyes are raw from wiping the tears away, but still they come - as painful as the sharp knife cutting through my heart. Rain pounds on my window and I am afraid for a moment that it will crack.
“You left me. How could you leave me? You told me you would see me soon. I depended on you. I needed you. I need you!”
I close my eyes. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s GONE! Images flash through my mind, a flash of metallic as the sunlight struck it, the rush of normal life…I hear the tires screeching, the desperate gasp, and the sickening sound of metal on metal in the full body collision. The sirens, the screams, the blood, the waiting day after day in agonizing hope…I wonder, what were you thinking in those moments when you knew it was over? Did you think of me? At least it wasn’t your fault…
I rock back in forth on my bed. I run my fingers through my tangled hair and pull it back violently. I reach for the zacto knife kit next to my bed.
“I don’t want to live if you aren’t going to be here!”
***
Breathe in. Breathe out. Are you breathing or are you dreaming? I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are heavy. I feel the thunder as it shakes my room. The lights go off. Maybe I’m dead. I must be. The pain is seeping through my body. I don’t fight it. I let it sweep over me, caressing me with its sharp claws. Cloudy images float through my mind. One of them draws closer and I remember…
***
“You are gonna go far with your music. Keep writing. You’ve got potential and if you keep expanding yourself, you’ll go far. That guitar of yours is an extension of who you are.”
I smile as I read David’s words. “I appreciate your encouragement,” I type back, “I just get so busy that well, you know, life gets in the way of my life. Lol.”
“Excuses,” he replies, “I know that your mom is so proud of you and that she would be more than happy to help you.”
“She does help me. She helps me make my music videos.”
“But how many do you have? Only a few. If you want to be heard, you gotta sing loud. Two or three videos is not singing loud.”
“I know.”
“Well kiddo, I gotta go. Tell your mom that I love her. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Later, David.”
The memory fades out and I smile. David always had encouraged me. He had taken such an interest in my life. And not just in my music - he had been involved in my academic life also.
“Don’t hang out with a bunch of kids who do nothing but party on weekends and get drunk every other night and forget to wear condoms. Contrary to popular opinion, college life is not about partying - it’s about making a career for yourself.”
“Oh I know. I don’t fit in with that crowd anyway. I’m kind of a loner altogether.”
“No, you just haven’t found your niche of people yet.”
“Lol, ok.”
“Your mom says you’re on the dean’s list. That’s great!”
“It’s a lot of work.”
“All good things take work, just wait until you have a boyfriend.”
I smile as I remember his closing statement. I had laughed and told him I would never have a boyfriend. I was a loner.
I laugh, almost like a person possessed. As my body convulses, my pain takes advantage and pushes itself deeper into my body. I lift my head off the wet pillow. Dizzily, I stare at my hand. Lightening flashes, lighting up my whole room. I can barely see straight but I see lots of red. I try to figure out what it is. I touch it and its sticky. Its everywhere, and I try to remember where its coming from. It’s coming from everywhere. I fall back on my pillow, too tired to move. So much red…
***
“So, tell me about this boy I keep hearing about.”
I giggle and respond, “I don’t know who you are talking about.”
“Oh come on, your mom told me.”
“His name is Andrew. He talks to me a lot after class.”
“I’ll bet he does. Pretty girl like you. You tell him he better watch himself. I’ll come knocking on his door.”
“David…”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I know you love my mom, and I know that she doesn’t feel the same way about you even though she cares for you very much.”
“Yes, I do love her.”
“David…?”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I wish you could be my new stepfather.”
“I wish I could too. I would take care of you all and try to repair the hurt that was done to your family. But, you can’t make someone love you. Right now, you’re mom needs a friend and I am more than willing to be that.”
“Mom says you are coming home for the summer.”
“You betcha, and its gonna be awesome. We’ll plan so many things. Well Harmony, I gotta go. But I’m so proud of you, and I will see you soon!”
No, no you won’t see me soon. You will never see me now. My whole life, I had gotten used to people leaving me. No one ever stayed when they said they would and the only thing I ever learned from my stepfather was that I wasn’t good enough and that love always hurt. Then David came into my life and showed me different. But now, he too was gone. Rain, rain, go away….
Breathe out. Breathe in. What did he say? I’m so proud of you. I sob. My heart bursts with emotion. With each beat, my bed gets redder, wetter…
“You would never be proud of me now.”
I have a choice.
You have a choice. Make me proud.
“No! I don’t want to live without you! I can’t bear that you are gone! I can’t deal with it!”
I’m so proud of you.
“Then come back!”
I never left. Live your life. Then come and see me.
I struggle with my pain and with my thoughts. I loved you so much.
I love you, too.
I can hear the storm subsiding outside. Breathe in. Breathe out. I open my eyes.
I don’t have to lose you. I can keep you with me. I move my hand and touch my guitar. After all, music is the bridge between earth and heaven.
The lights come back on.
Between Heaven and Earth
“You left me! You left me alone just like everyone else has! How could you leave me like this?! What am I supposed to do now? I trusted you, I loved you!”
Thunder crashes. I sit on my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest. I choke on the words as they scream out from the pit of my stomach. My eyes are raw from wiping the tears away, but still they come - as painful as the sharp knife cutting through my heart. Rain pounds on my window and I am afraid for a moment that it will crack.
“You left me. How could you leave me? You told me you would see me soon. I depended on you. I needed you. I need you!”
I close my eyes. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s GONE! Images flash through my mind, a flash of metallic as the sunlight struck it, the rush of normal life…I hear the tires screeching, the desperate gasp, and the sickening sound of metal on metal in the full body collision. The sirens, the screams, the blood, the waiting day after day in agonizing hope…I wonder, what were you thinking in those moments when you knew it was over? Did you think of me? At least it wasn’t your fault…
I rock back in forth on my bed. I run my fingers through my tangled hair and pull it back violently. I reach for the zacto knife kit next to my bed.
“I don’t want to live if you aren’t going to be here!”
***
Breathe in. Breathe out. Are you breathing or are you dreaming? I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are heavy. I feel the thunder as it shakes my room. The lights go off. Maybe I’m dead. I must be. The pain is seeping through my body. I don’t fight it. I let it sweep over me, caressing me with its sharp claws. Cloudy images float through my mind. One of them draws closer and I remember…
***
“You are gonna go far with your music. Keep writing. You’ve got potential and if you keep expanding yourself, you’ll go far. That guitar of yours is an extension of who you are.”
I smile as I read David’s words. “I appreciate your encouragement,” I type back, “I just get so busy that well, you know, life gets in the way of my life. Lol.”
“Excuses,” he replies, “I know that your mom is so proud of you and that she would be more than happy to help you.”
“She does help me. She helps me make my music videos.”
“But how many do you have? Only a few. If you want to be heard, you gotta sing loud. Two or three videos is not singing loud.”
“I know.”
“Well kiddo, I gotta go. Tell your mom that I love her. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Later, David.”
The memory fades out and I smile. David always had encouraged me. He had taken such an interest in my life. And not just in my music - he had been involved in my academic life also.
“Don’t hang out with a bunch of kids who do nothing but party on weekends and get drunk every other night and forget to wear condoms. Contrary to popular opinion, college life is not about partying - it’s about making a career for yourself.”
“Oh I know. I don’t fit in with that crowd anyway. I’m kind of a loner altogether.”
“No, you just haven’t found your niche of people yet.”
“Lol, ok.”
“Your mom says you’re on the dean’s list. That’s great!”
“It’s a lot of work.”
“All good things take work, just wait until you have a boyfriend.”
I smile as I remember his closing statement. I had laughed and told him I would never have a boyfriend. I was a loner.
I laugh, almost like a person possessed. As my body convulses, my pain takes advantage and pushes itself deeper into my body. I lift my head off the wet pillow. Dizzily, I stare at my hand. Lightening flashes, lighting up my whole room. I can barely see straight but I see lots of red. I try to figure out what it is. I touch it and its sticky. Its everywhere, and I try to remember where its coming from. It’s coming from everywhere. I fall back on my pillow, too tired to move. So much red…
***
“So, tell me about this boy I keep hearing about.”
I giggle and respond, “I don’t know who you are talking about.”
“Oh come on, your mom told me.”
“His name is Andrew. He talks to me a lot after class.”
“I’ll bet he does. Pretty girl like you. You tell him he better watch himself. I’ll come knocking on his door.”
“David…”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I know you love my mom, and I know that she doesn’t feel the same way about you even though she cares for you very much.”
“Yes, I do love her.”
“David…?”
“Yes, Harmony?”
“I wish you could be my new stepfather.”
“I wish I could too. I would take care of you all and try to repair the hurt that was done to your family. But, you can’t make someone love you. Right now, you’re mom needs a friend and I am more than willing to be that.”
“Mom says you are coming home for the summer.”
“You betcha, and its gonna be awesome. We’ll plan so many things. Well Harmony, I gotta go. But I’m so proud of you, and I will see you soon!”
No, no you won’t see me soon. You will never see me now. My whole life, I had gotten used to people leaving me. No one ever stayed when they said they would and the only thing I ever learned from my stepfather was that I wasn’t good enough and that love always hurt. Then David came into my life and showed me different. But now, he too was gone. Rain, rain, go away….
Breathe out. Breathe in. What did he say? I’m so proud of you. I sob. My heart bursts with emotion. With each beat, my bed gets redder, wetter…
“You would never be proud of me now.”
I have a choice.
You have a choice. Make me proud.
“No! I don’t want to live without you! I can’t bear that you are gone! I can’t deal with it!”
I’m so proud of you.
“Then come back!”
I never left. Live your life. Then come and see me.
I struggle with my pain and with my thoughts. I loved you so much.
I love you, too.
I can hear the storm subsiding outside. Breathe in. Breathe out. I open my eyes.
I don’t have to lose you. I can keep you with me. I move my hand and touch my guitar. After all, music is the bridge between earth and heaven.
The lights come back on.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Why Mess Up A Good Thing? Finding Unshakable Joy
Sometimes in life you are given a chance at happiness. There have been moments in my life when I have been very happy. Things would be going well and I would think there couldn't be anything better that could possibly happen.
With great happiness comes great pain. It is true when they say that nothing lasts forever. What was with you today can be gone from you tomorrow. I have learned this very cruel and cold lesson many times, more than I could care for. However, I would be foolish in believing that I was all alone in that feeling. It could be the loss of a loved one, a disappointment, a lost job, a break up, marriage problems, financial situations, family unrest, sickness, or just a feeling of being overwhelmed. But just as we all know that we each brave these travesties and live them, we also know that eventually the sun will come out again and the world will be made new. You will be able to stand up and lift your head. You will be able to laugh for real, not just because you're trying to hide your pain; and your eyes will shine and not be swollen from tears.
Sometimes, it's hard to accept happiness when it comes your way. I know it can be, for me. My father was killed in an accident before I was born, my stepfather was abusive, and then the man I grew close to and loved like a father after we left my stepfather, also passed away in an accident. It's been a year and two months since he died and I miss him everyday. There is an older man in my life who I would like to love. I would like to look at him as a father figure. I would love to show him my grades and my music and have him tell me I did good. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I look up to him. I wish I could give him a hug. I wish I could have serious talks with him. Something holds me back though - the insecurity that he'll disappear like all the rest. I'm pretty happy with how things are right now. Why take a risk and mess up something good?
For sixteen months, I dated a man who I thought I would be with forever and I thought I was very happy. I loved him like nothing ever before. He was my sunrise, my sunset, and the evening moon. I was willing to do anything for him - and pretty much did. Unfortunately for me, I was too in love and too pig headed to see what was going on. He took advantage of me left and right, stood me up, kept me waiting, chose himself over me, and broke my heart over and over. He would tell me that 'other guys would just leave you because of your problems and issues. I put up with a lot from you and I choose to stay so I deserve some grace.' So I believed him. I believed he was the only one who would 'love' me despite my past. He disrespected me and my family. One day, I found out he was interacting indecently with other females. He was cheating on me. The saddest part is that I knew he was doing so for our whole relationship, but I chose to look the other way and believe his lies. When he told me that it meant nothing and that I was overreacting and then went on to tell me that he could never promise me to not do it again, I knew it was over.
When I was with him, I believed I was 'happy' and that it couldn't get better than it was. After we broke up, I felt I would never be happy again. I felt like the part of my heart that gave me the ability to love was broken.
So now I've been single for two months. It feels like its been longer than two months, but that's because I keep busy. I have close friends I hang out with and a job I work my butt off at. I am very happy. I really am. Right now I believe that it can't really get any better than this. Why mess up something good?
There's a young man who knocks on my front door. I've known him almost a year now. He's quiet and gentle, but fun with a very dry sense of humor. He opens the car door for me (when I let him) and keeps the spiders far away when we walk on the bridge over the river. He plays with my brothers and interacts with my mother. He respects me. He keeps his distance and still treats me like a princess. I consider him one of my best friends. When I was contemplating breaking up with my ex, he was the only one of my friends who didn't tell me what to do. He didn't try to sway me and he didn't call my ex a bunch of bad names. He simply said I had to pray about it and figure it out for myself because if I listened to everyone else, I would never know if it was my choice or not. His parents love me like their own and I am always welcome in their house.
He's an amazing friend. Why mess up a good thing?
Jesus Christ never promised happiness, He promised joy. The joy that comes from serving Him and following His will. I am very happy right now, but I can honestly say that when this happiness subsides, I will still have joy. Like I once wrote before, He is restoring all that was taken from me and healing all that was broken in me. It has taken me awhile, but I have finally realized that happiness is only temporary. Joy is the thing that remains and joy is the reason things can only get better. I am happy with my life and where I am, but I also have great joy.
Why mess up a good thing? I'd rather lose my happiness and keep my joy, so this time around, I'm truly letting God take control. If I'm meant to have a father, he will provide one. Maybe he already has, and I need to let go of my temporary happiness, my security of feeling safe and not vulnerable, so that I can find joy. When I gave up my ex, I had some very unhappy days, but I attained great joy. I'm very happy with the way things are with my friend. Maybe someday that will turn into great joy as well, but I'm leaving that in God's hands.
What I'm trying to tell you is that even if you are struggling and even if you are feeling like you are dying and running out of options, if you look to Him, He will give you great joy. He will give you peace and clarity and direction! Life is not about happiness - it's about living out of love for Him! Your dark moment will pass, but it will be much easier to get through if you possess the unshakable joy of loving the Lord. I can honestly say that if it weren't for the joy He placed in my soul, I wouldn't be here today, to encourage you to lift your eyes and bend your knees. Seek Him!! Love Him!! If you want to be truly happy, if you want a reason to live, then seek the heart of the Lord! His joy is never ending!
Happiness is a feeling, joy is a way of life. With great happiness comes great pain, but pain is also just a feeling.
May the frets be with you.
With great happiness comes great pain. It is true when they say that nothing lasts forever. What was with you today can be gone from you tomorrow. I have learned this very cruel and cold lesson many times, more than I could care for. However, I would be foolish in believing that I was all alone in that feeling. It could be the loss of a loved one, a disappointment, a lost job, a break up, marriage problems, financial situations, family unrest, sickness, or just a feeling of being overwhelmed. But just as we all know that we each brave these travesties and live them, we also know that eventually the sun will come out again and the world will be made new. You will be able to stand up and lift your head. You will be able to laugh for real, not just because you're trying to hide your pain; and your eyes will shine and not be swollen from tears.
Sometimes, it's hard to accept happiness when it comes your way. I know it can be, for me. My father was killed in an accident before I was born, my stepfather was abusive, and then the man I grew close to and loved like a father after we left my stepfather, also passed away in an accident. It's been a year and two months since he died and I miss him everyday. There is an older man in my life who I would like to love. I would like to look at him as a father figure. I would love to show him my grades and my music and have him tell me I did good. Whether I acknowledge it or not, I look up to him. I wish I could give him a hug. I wish I could have serious talks with him. Something holds me back though - the insecurity that he'll disappear like all the rest. I'm pretty happy with how things are right now. Why take a risk and mess up something good?
For sixteen months, I dated a man who I thought I would be with forever and I thought I was very happy. I loved him like nothing ever before. He was my sunrise, my sunset, and the evening moon. I was willing to do anything for him - and pretty much did. Unfortunately for me, I was too in love and too pig headed to see what was going on. He took advantage of me left and right, stood me up, kept me waiting, chose himself over me, and broke my heart over and over. He would tell me that 'other guys would just leave you because of your problems and issues. I put up with a lot from you and I choose to stay so I deserve some grace.' So I believed him. I believed he was the only one who would 'love' me despite my past. He disrespected me and my family. One day, I found out he was interacting indecently with other females. He was cheating on me. The saddest part is that I knew he was doing so for our whole relationship, but I chose to look the other way and believe his lies. When he told me that it meant nothing and that I was overreacting and then went on to tell me that he could never promise me to not do it again, I knew it was over.
When I was with him, I believed I was 'happy' and that it couldn't get better than it was. After we broke up, I felt I would never be happy again. I felt like the part of my heart that gave me the ability to love was broken.
So now I've been single for two months. It feels like its been longer than two months, but that's because I keep busy. I have close friends I hang out with and a job I work my butt off at. I am very happy. I really am. Right now I believe that it can't really get any better than this. Why mess up something good?
There's a young man who knocks on my front door. I've known him almost a year now. He's quiet and gentle, but fun with a very dry sense of humor. He opens the car door for me (when I let him) and keeps the spiders far away when we walk on the bridge over the river. He plays with my brothers and interacts with my mother. He respects me. He keeps his distance and still treats me like a princess. I consider him one of my best friends. When I was contemplating breaking up with my ex, he was the only one of my friends who didn't tell me what to do. He didn't try to sway me and he didn't call my ex a bunch of bad names. He simply said I had to pray about it and figure it out for myself because if I listened to everyone else, I would never know if it was my choice or not. His parents love me like their own and I am always welcome in their house.
He's an amazing friend. Why mess up a good thing?
Jesus Christ never promised happiness, He promised joy. The joy that comes from serving Him and following His will. I am very happy right now, but I can honestly say that when this happiness subsides, I will still have joy. Like I once wrote before, He is restoring all that was taken from me and healing all that was broken in me. It has taken me awhile, but I have finally realized that happiness is only temporary. Joy is the thing that remains and joy is the reason things can only get better. I am happy with my life and where I am, but I also have great joy.
Why mess up a good thing? I'd rather lose my happiness and keep my joy, so this time around, I'm truly letting God take control. If I'm meant to have a father, he will provide one. Maybe he already has, and I need to let go of my temporary happiness, my security of feeling safe and not vulnerable, so that I can find joy. When I gave up my ex, I had some very unhappy days, but I attained great joy. I'm very happy with the way things are with my friend. Maybe someday that will turn into great joy as well, but I'm leaving that in God's hands.
What I'm trying to tell you is that even if you are struggling and even if you are feeling like you are dying and running out of options, if you look to Him, He will give you great joy. He will give you peace and clarity and direction! Life is not about happiness - it's about living out of love for Him! Your dark moment will pass, but it will be much easier to get through if you possess the unshakable joy of loving the Lord. I can honestly say that if it weren't for the joy He placed in my soul, I wouldn't be here today, to encourage you to lift your eyes and bend your knees. Seek Him!! Love Him!! If you want to be truly happy, if you want a reason to live, then seek the heart of the Lord! His joy is never ending!
Happiness is a feeling, joy is a way of life. With great happiness comes great pain, but pain is also just a feeling.
May the frets be with you.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Will You Love Me?
I am not a wise person, and I will never claim to be. I have a foolish heart, a stubborn mind, and a wayward spirit. Will you love me?
I am overweight. I have the curves of a woman, but society condemns me. Will you love me?
I am incredibly bossy. I try not to be, but I am. Will you love me?
I am not a tidy house keeper. I hardly cook. Will you love me?
I had no father. I am always trying to fill that hole and there for I am always guarded and lonely. Will you love me?
I am insecure. I know you're going to leave me, I just know it. You can't want me. I'm worthless. Will you love me?
I have nightmares. I wake up screaming and crying. I never know where I am. I'm terrified of the dark. Will you love me?
I'm a cutter. I have so many scars on my legs and on my arms. Sometimes I still do it, to try and control the pain in my life. Will you love me?
I'm a rape survivor. I am scarred. I'm afraid of human touch, even by those close to me. I carry this with me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind. Will you love me?
I'm an abuse survivor. I startle easily. I flinch. I'm always looking over my shoulder. I am afraid to speak. Will you love me?
I'm a 21 year old college student. I have A and B grades and a 3.0 GPA. I go to all my classes and do all my homework. I participate in class and study for my tests. Will you love me?
I'm a gifted musician. I play guitar and sing and write my own melodies. I record and upload my music and offer it to the world. I give lessons. Will you love me?
I am all these things, and more. I'm letting you see my imperfections, my impurities. I'm letting you see the things I am proud of, but also the things I am ashamed of.
Perhaps you will love me. But then I know, how can you love an unlovable creature? Something that has such hideous scars and a past black as death?
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.
You can't. But He can.
In His eyes, I am not fatherless, alone, abused, neglected, a rape victim, or scarred. He has made me new. He kissed my life and turned those scars into beauty marks. I am not my past. I am a glorious creation. He is restoring all that was taken from me, and healing all that was broken in me. He wants to know all about me. He wants me to babble about my day and come to him when I'm alone and sad. He wants to dry my tears.He wants to laugh with me. He is my best friend, my lover, my salvation.
I don't care whether you decide to accept me and love me.
He loves me. That is all I need.
May the frets be with you.
I am overweight. I have the curves of a woman, but society condemns me. Will you love me?
I am incredibly bossy. I try not to be, but I am. Will you love me?
I am not a tidy house keeper. I hardly cook. Will you love me?
I had no father. I am always trying to fill that hole and there for I am always guarded and lonely. Will you love me?
I am insecure. I know you're going to leave me, I just know it. You can't want me. I'm worthless. Will you love me?
I have nightmares. I wake up screaming and crying. I never know where I am. I'm terrified of the dark. Will you love me?
I'm a cutter. I have so many scars on my legs and on my arms. Sometimes I still do it, to try and control the pain in my life. Will you love me?
I'm a rape survivor. I am scarred. I'm afraid of human touch, even by those close to me. I carry this with me everyday. It's always in the back of my mind. Will you love me?
I'm an abuse survivor. I startle easily. I flinch. I'm always looking over my shoulder. I am afraid to speak. Will you love me?
I'm a 21 year old college student. I have A and B grades and a 3.0 GPA. I go to all my classes and do all my homework. I participate in class and study for my tests. Will you love me?
I'm a gifted musician. I play guitar and sing and write my own melodies. I record and upload my music and offer it to the world. I give lessons. Will you love me?
I am all these things, and more. I'm letting you see my imperfections, my impurities. I'm letting you see the things I am proud of, but also the things I am ashamed of.
Perhaps you will love me. But then I know, how can you love an unlovable creature? Something that has such hideous scars and a past black as death?
Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God. who loved me and gave himself for me.
You can't. But He can.
In His eyes, I am not fatherless, alone, abused, neglected, a rape victim, or scarred. He has made me new. He kissed my life and turned those scars into beauty marks. I am not my past. I am a glorious creation. He is restoring all that was taken from me, and healing all that was broken in me. He wants to know all about me. He wants me to babble about my day and come to him when I'm alone and sad. He wants to dry my tears.He wants to laugh with me. He is my best friend, my lover, my salvation.
I don't care whether you decide to accept me and love me.
He loves me. That is all I need.
May the frets be with you.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Youtube
I would love it if you all would check out my youtube channel. Although I don't have many videos up, I do have some. My older ones are not so good. My most recent upload which will present itself when you click on the link is probably one of the better ones. Though a somewhat sad song, it's still empowering.
So please, enjoy, criticize, and share!
http://www.youtube.com/user/madeformusic90?feature=mhee
May the frets be with you.
So please, enjoy, criticize, and share!
http://www.youtube.com/user/madeformusic90?feature=mhee
May the frets be with you.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I Swear This One's A Hit
When I get in the groove to write a song, nothing can take me away. I put everything aside and I write that song. It usually just flows from my pen tip on to the page and translates itself into the melodious ringing of my amazing guitar. When I emerge from underneath the sheets of soiled papers, scratched out and scattered across my bedroom floor, I always feel so accomplished. 'Look at what you just created!' I tell myself. 'You're a genius.' Then I run down the stairs of my house, usually tripping and falling, to serenade an unwilling spectator - usually one of my brothers. After the rush of exhilaration leaves me, I save a copy on my computer and never play it again.
Ok, maybe I'll play it a few times more to try and get the rush of accomplishment again. I am terrible about writing down the chords for my songs so I have to practice over and over in order to remember them.
However, I have yet another huge fault. I am usually so taken with the beauty of what I have just created that I don't even think about what I could change it to, or how I could expand it. In short, I never revise. While yes, you can get a fabulous song in the heat of the moment, if you take the time to revise and edit, you can turn it into an even more powerful song. Take for example these lyrics I had written several months ago:
I'm not even sure what I'm s'pposed to say.
My life is one mystery inside of each day.
How am I s'pposed to cope after what has been done?
Do you expect me to just walk out into the sun?
The sun well it's great but it's still really cold
Just like the lies and the truth I've been told.
The answer is there somewhere but so far away
And I'm getting tired of living this way.
Well it's hard enough to set it straight
When I don't know where to begin, where to wait.
And I'm tired of people saying be strong and tough
Sometimes all I need is some warm, gentle love.
That's how I left it. It's not that great although at the time I believed that it was. Today as I was doing an assignment for my music class, I brought these lyrics up and revised them. This is what they look like now:
I'm not even sure, what am I s'pposed to say?
My life is one mystery inside of each day.
How am I s'pposed to cope after what has been done?
You expect me to just walk out into the sun?
The sun well it's great but it's still really cold
And it's just like the lies and the truth I've been told.
The answer is there somewhere but so far away
It's more than exhausting to exist in this way.
Crooked life history is hard to keep straight,
When trying to soften this irrational fate.
I'm tired of people saying be strong and tough
At times I require a little wholehearted love.
Quite an improvement, I believe. When you word things in a more interesting way its easier to keep the attention of your audience. I love songs with hidden meanings, double meanings, double entendras, you name it.
For instance, check out these lyrics to 'Good People' by Jack Johnson.I love this song and what he's talking about. Not only is the rhyming quick and addictive, the song points out some great things while being somewhat sarcastic in nature.
Although the above lyrics in green may not be a hit, they are much better than the lyrics in blue. So to go back to the very beginning, how did I discover I had such a bad habit to begin with? Well, I was reading this site: http://blog.songtrust.com/open-mic/whats-the-quickest-way-to-kill-a-song/.
If you are a music geek like me, subscribe to these people!! They have so much valuable information and can really open your eyes to some things. I signed up for their newsletter, and so should you. Wouldn't it be better to have something other than spam and emails from crazy relatives in your inbox?
And then after you subscribe and sign up and maybe block that relative, go back and look over your old songs. See if you can't find something that can be reworked and reworded. If it's something from several years ago, your fresh eye and new experiences may help you analyze what's really there. Never settle just because it's close enough!! You could be holding the next hit song in your hands! Write, write, and re-write.
Now I'm almost afraid to open up my old songs...but I'm going to in case I turn out to be a one hit wonder.
May the frets be with you.
Ok, maybe I'll play it a few times more to try and get the rush of accomplishment again. I am terrible about writing down the chords for my songs so I have to practice over and over in order to remember them.
However, I have yet another huge fault. I am usually so taken with the beauty of what I have just created that I don't even think about what I could change it to, or how I could expand it. In short, I never revise. While yes, you can get a fabulous song in the heat of the moment, if you take the time to revise and edit, you can turn it into an even more powerful song. Take for example these lyrics I had written several months ago:
I'm not even sure what I'm s'pposed to say.
My life is one mystery inside of each day.
How am I s'pposed to cope after what has been done?
Do you expect me to just walk out into the sun?
The sun well it's great but it's still really cold
Just like the lies and the truth I've been told.
The answer is there somewhere but so far away
And I'm getting tired of living this way.
Well it's hard enough to set it straight
When I don't know where to begin, where to wait.
And I'm tired of people saying be strong and tough
Sometimes all I need is some warm, gentle love.
That's how I left it. It's not that great although at the time I believed that it was. Today as I was doing an assignment for my music class, I brought these lyrics up and revised them. This is what they look like now:
I'm not even sure, what am I s'pposed to say?
My life is one mystery inside of each day.
How am I s'pposed to cope after what has been done?
You expect me to just walk out into the sun?
The sun well it's great but it's still really cold
And it's just like the lies and the truth I've been told.
The answer is there somewhere but so far away
It's more than exhausting to exist in this way.
Crooked life history is hard to keep straight,
When trying to soften this irrational fate.
I'm tired of people saying be strong and tough
At times I require a little wholehearted love.
Quite an improvement, I believe. When you word things in a more interesting way its easier to keep the attention of your audience. I love songs with hidden meanings, double meanings, double entendras, you name it.
For instance, check out these lyrics to 'Good People' by Jack Johnson.I love this song and what he's talking about. Not only is the rhyming quick and addictive, the song points out some great things while being somewhat sarcastic in nature.
Although the above lyrics in green may not be a hit, they are much better than the lyrics in blue. So to go back to the very beginning, how did I discover I had such a bad habit to begin with? Well, I was reading this site: http://blog.songtrust.com/open-mic/whats-the-quickest-way-to-kill-a-song/.
If you are a music geek like me, subscribe to these people!! They have so much valuable information and can really open your eyes to some things. I signed up for their newsletter, and so should you. Wouldn't it be better to have something other than spam and emails from crazy relatives in your inbox?
And then after you subscribe and sign up and maybe block that relative, go back and look over your old songs. See if you can't find something that can be reworked and reworded. If it's something from several years ago, your fresh eye and new experiences may help you analyze what's really there. Never settle just because it's close enough!! You could be holding the next hit song in your hands! Write, write, and re-write.
Now I'm almost afraid to open up my old songs...but I'm going to in case I turn out to be a one hit wonder.
May the frets be with you.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A (Very) Brief Bow To Country Music
I don't like country music. I make no bones about it. The Eagles, Jimmy Buffet, and a few other oldies are as close to country music as I will get. The rest I prefer to poke with a stick from safe distance. I don't really know what it is. Maybe its the over use of tractors, trucks, beer, and women. Maybe its the all too familiar twang of men in possession of deep voices that make them believe they are reborn cowboys. Whatever the reason, it's just not my cup of tea, and if it is yours, no amount of sugar will induce me to swallow it.
However, country music does have a lot it offer in the artistic sense. It is one of the oldest forms of music and one of the most popular. Even if I don't particularly care for it, I can recognize that it still has artistic and musical value. So for this reason, I am posting this link to pay my dues to these rather awesome opening lyrics. If I could create such an interesting, raw first line such as these, I would be very happy.
So to all you country fans, I finally see what you see (but only in a very small amount).
http://www.theboot.com/2011/02/17/opening-lyrics/
May the frets be with you.
However, country music does have a lot it offer in the artistic sense. It is one of the oldest forms of music and one of the most popular. Even if I don't particularly care for it, I can recognize that it still has artistic and musical value. So for this reason, I am posting this link to pay my dues to these rather awesome opening lyrics. If I could create such an interesting, raw first line such as these, I would be very happy.
So to all you country fans, I finally see what you see (but only in a very small amount).
http://www.theboot.com/2011/02/17/opening-lyrics/
May the frets be with you.
Come On Baby, Let Me Creep On You
Writing a love song to declare your passion is one of the oldest, purest forms of affection. From rhythmic ballad to bouncy hip hop, love has danced through the ages on the floor of song. I myself have written many love songs. Some were for my boyfriend, some were for my God, and some were for my family. I also wrote one about this amazing burger that I once had that can never be recreated or replaced. That song is gonna get me platinum, I know.
I find it's hard to write a good love song that isn't corny, syrupy sweet, or cliched to death. Saying, 'I love you forever', 'you're the only one for me', 'it was love at first sight', 'i couldn't live without you', etc, is more than likely going to make me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh god. I think I just did.
In my music class this semester, my professor showed us this awesome website, (which, yes, I will post) about how to write the perfect love song. The insight was awesome and really gave me some fabulous ideas.
And then he showed us a website with how to write a creepy, I-will-chop-you-into-a-million-pieces-and-bury-you-in-New-Jersey-when-you-refuse-my-love song. I'm not even joking.
Seriously, as I was reading the lyrics for these songs, I couldn't help but wonder, what were you thinking?!?! Well, duh, they obviously weren't. Or if they were, they were thinking with the wrong head.
So please, don't let me laugh alone. I'll even include links to the lyrics so you don't even have to look them up. And no, I am not obssessing, so stop thinking that:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alida-nugent/10-incredibly-creepy-song_b_810825.html?ref=email_share#s226089&title=All_My_Life
"All My Life": K-Ci & Jojo - http://www.metrolyrics.com/all-my-life-lyrics-kci-jojo.html
"I Knew I Loved You": Savage Garden -http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-knew-i-loved-you-lyrics-savage-garden.html
"Across The Sea": Weezer - http://www.metrolyrics.com/across-the-sea-lyrics-weezer.html
"Baby It's Cold Outside": The kids from 'Glee,' a million other people - http://www.metrolyrics.com/baby-its-cold-outside-lyrics-glee.html
"Please Don't Stand So Close To Me": The Police - http://www.metrolyrics.com/dont-stand-so-close-to-me-lyrics-the-police.html
"The Girl Is Mine": Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney - http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-girl-is-mine-lyrics-michael-jackson.html
"Invisible": Clay Aiken - http://www.metrolyrics.com/invisible-lyrics-clay-aiken.html
"Forever": Chris Brown - http://www.metrolyrics.com/forever-lyrics-chris-brown.html
"As Long As You Love Me": Backstreet Boys - http://www.metrolyrics.com/as-long-as-you-love-me-lyrics-backstreet-boys.html
"Hello": Lionel Richie - http://www.metrolyrics.com/hello-lyrics-lionel-richie.html
I think the one that creeped me out most was 'Across The Sea' by Weezer. I mean, come on....I wanna know what clothes you wear to school...I wanna know how you touch yourself...but I can't so...I'll just lick and sniff this envelope...instead. Crap. Gotta rinse out my mouth again. I feel like no matter how hard I try to brush this off of me, I can't. It's just....weird!
But. Now that you've had a taste for things that won't woo your lover, try this site -->http://blog.songtrust.com/songwriting-tips/5-ways-to-write-the-perfect-love-song/
It's got some good, practical advice that won't make you sound like a disturbed stalker. Serenade your significant other with some real meaning and appreciation, as I intend to do. And when I fail miserably and end up writing the 11th creepy love song, I'll put it up for you to laugh at.
May the frets be with you.
I find it's hard to write a good love song that isn't corny, syrupy sweet, or cliched to death. Saying, 'I love you forever', 'you're the only one for me', 'it was love at first sight', 'i couldn't live without you', etc, is more than likely going to make me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh god. I think I just did.
In my music class this semester, my professor showed us this awesome website, (which, yes, I will post) about how to write the perfect love song. The insight was awesome and really gave me some fabulous ideas.
And then he showed us a website with how to write a creepy, I-will-chop-you-into-a-million-pieces-and-bury-you-in-New-Jersey-when-you-refuse-my-love song. I'm not even joking.
Seriously, as I was reading the lyrics for these songs, I couldn't help but wonder, what were you thinking?!?! Well, duh, they obviously weren't. Or if they were, they were thinking with the wrong head.
So please, don't let me laugh alone. I'll even include links to the lyrics so you don't even have to look them up. And no, I am not obssessing, so stop thinking that:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alida-nugent/10-incredibly-creepy-song_b_810825.html?ref=email_share#s226089&title=All_My_Life
"All My Life": K-Ci & Jojo - http://www.metrolyrics.com/all-my-life-lyrics-kci-jojo.html
"I Knew I Loved You": Savage Garden -http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-knew-i-loved-you-lyrics-savage-garden.html
"Across The Sea": Weezer - http://www.metrolyrics.com/across-the-sea-lyrics-weezer.html
"Baby It's Cold Outside": The kids from 'Glee,' a million other people - http://www.metrolyrics.com/baby-its-cold-outside-lyrics-glee.html
"Please Don't Stand So Close To Me": The Police - http://www.metrolyrics.com/dont-stand-so-close-to-me-lyrics-the-police.html
"The Girl Is Mine": Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney - http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-girl-is-mine-lyrics-michael-jackson.html
"Invisible": Clay Aiken - http://www.metrolyrics.com/invisible-lyrics-clay-aiken.html
"Forever": Chris Brown - http://www.metrolyrics.com/forever-lyrics-chris-brown.html
"As Long As You Love Me": Backstreet Boys - http://www.metrolyrics.com/as-long-as-you-love-me-lyrics-backstreet-boys.html
"Hello": Lionel Richie - http://www.metrolyrics.com/hello-lyrics-lionel-richie.html
I think the one that creeped me out most was 'Across The Sea' by Weezer. I mean, come on....I wanna know what clothes you wear to school...I wanna know how you touch yourself...but I can't so...I'll just lick and sniff this envelope...instead. Crap. Gotta rinse out my mouth again. I feel like no matter how hard I try to brush this off of me, I can't. It's just....weird!
But. Now that you've had a taste for things that won't woo your lover, try this site -->http://blog.songtrust.com/songwriting-tips/5-ways-to-write-the-perfect-love-song/
It's got some good, practical advice that won't make you sound like a disturbed stalker. Serenade your significant other with some real meaning and appreciation, as I intend to do. And when I fail miserably and end up writing the 11th creepy love song, I'll put it up for you to laugh at.
May the frets be with you.
Songwriting
We all know that songwriting is a great love of mine. However, I've let that fall to the way side far more often than I should have. But hey, I work full time and go to school full time and no longer have a social life, so I feel that I am justified.
But.
If you're a songwriter or a musician, then you should check out this link --> http://miccontrol.com/#/micschool/why-do-songwriting-challenges/
This was a fabulous inspiration for me. Whether or not I could actually have the dedication and time to pull this off doesn't mean I can't at least try. Time to dust off my notepad and microphone. I just recently bought a sm57 microphone - one of the best mics for recording acoustic instruments. Now I have an awesome excuse to actually use it. I suggest you do the same.
May the frets be with you.
But.
If you're a songwriter or a musician, then you should check out this link --> http://miccontrol.com/#/micschool/why-do-songwriting-challenges/
This was a fabulous inspiration for me. Whether or not I could actually have the dedication and time to pull this off doesn't mean I can't at least try. Time to dust off my notepad and microphone. I just recently bought a sm57 microphone - one of the best mics for recording acoustic instruments. Now I have an awesome excuse to actually use it. I suggest you do the same.
May the frets be with you.
Friday, January 13, 2012
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