Lament

I realize now that the world I once lived in
was so much darker 
than I could ever begin to fathom...

The misery, the deception,
the inconceivable anguish needled into our hearts
until our true blue blood
bled so fast
it couldn't turn red. 

What a cold, hard thing
for a child to fear.

Cry, cry for the lost innocence.
Cry for the broken hearts.
Weep for a misplaced,
misconstrued sense of guilt
and self-loathing.

It was so dark.
I shivered so much.

Yet here I am, completely fine.
Untainted in the face of evil.
My face knows only sunshine
and my words only kindness and truth.
My bare feet dance in the green grass
and no man or beast dares disturb
my joyful requiem...

It makes me wonder...
am I the freak?
Am I...the evil?
If I walk away with nary a scratch?
What's wrong with me?

Stop. 
Am I really invincible?
The nightmares,
the cold sweats,
the uneasy beating of my heart
drumming in and out of rhythm
ready to burst for the pain I feel!

The invisible, horrifying truth.

Am I not so broken after all?

Is this what you see
when you look into my eyes?

For it was not just my body that was wounded,
nor just my heart.
My very soul was wounded. 

What do you see?

Do you see my darkness?

Nay, you see only the light that surrounds me.
And if you did not know me,
you would never have guessed.

My bare feet dance in the green grass.
There is nothing wrong with me.

Take your shoes off and dance with me.
I am ready to see the beauty that you do.

...


Please take some time to check out the other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Knowledge

I know what you think you know.

Interesting, isn't it?
Such an arrogant stance,
On your part.

Have you any idea the amount
of unnecessary,
Judgementaly,
Excruciatingly exact
Pain
You have willingly
(however unknowingly)
Bestowed upon
An innocent fragmented
Soul
Once
Saved?

Of course not.

You only think you know.

Jagged Edges

The wind whispers evils in my ears,
The rain portrays my tears.
The trees reach out their craggy claws
To feed me empty fears...

I must have strayed within my sleep 
To lose myself this deep.
The path is crooked, long, and dark,
With sadness there to reap.

My head is bruised, my hand is cut,
I see the blood is pouring, but -

His voice whispers love within my ear,
Which pulls me back from here.
His fierce warmth soothes my weary soul


And kills the empty fears.

Independence

Oh independence! You are more sought after than any valuable stone, than all the world's money, than the fairest of women or handsomest of men! You are the object of desire that we strive for the minute we breathe the air of this world. Independence!

Yeah, yeah, hold that thought for like, I dunno, three paragraphs.

Of course independence is great. It gives us freedom and a sense of ownership over our lives. We live our lives trying to prove how independent we can be. We can take care of ourselves, make our own money, pay our own bills, warm our own beds, and, ultimately, live our own lives. Every part of that is true and there is nothing negative about that.

What about dependence?

"Oh my God!" I can hear you breathe in horror, 'Oh the thought! The mere idea castrates my mind! Dependence? Hell no!"

Oh independence! You are...

Yeah, hold on a little bit longer.

When we think of dependence, we often associate it with negative things or images like the 30 year old living in the basement, or the overly clingy child who won't go away! But I am here to assure you that dependence in itself is not a bad thing.

Life shattering isn't it? No, no, it's okay. Let me explain.

According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary:
de·pen·dence
noun \di-ˈpen-dən(t)s\ : the state of needing something or someone else for support, help, etc.

We are taught our whole lives to be independent. The mark of a fully matured adult is displayed by the growth of his independence. However, were you ever taught about dependence? Not the ogre in the basement dependence but positive dependence?

It is okay to need people. Sometimes we grow up too fast, or something happens in our life that causes us to take up the responsibility of being independent and we never look back. We don't want help from other people because it is a sign of weakness. Or, sometimes we don't want to 'cause a problem' or 'be a burden'.  Truth is, not asking for help when you really need it is what makes you the burden. It makes you defensive, self-destructive, tired, cold, and a little pissy.

People are made to need each other. Think about it. We are social creatures in need of interaction. Do you think you are the only one to face a trial and tribulation? Dependence is what helps bring people together - just as much as independence.

Now, I am not saying run home to mommy or ask your best friend over so you can drown his or her ears in the sorrows surrounding your life. What I am saying is to be independently dependent. Recognize when you need help and take it.

That is what we are here for.

Independence, oh Independence!

Absolutely, but know that I am here if you falter.

May the Frets be with you.



Please take some time to check out the other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Hate

Hate is a strong word. It can break a person and bring them to their knees. It can change how you perceive things and how you view people. It can bring you close to people, and it can devastatingly  tear you apart.

As a child, I was taught that 'hate' was a four letter word. That it was wrong to hate and it was wrong to say it flippantly. As a small child, I didn't understand what hate actually was. I perceived it as being 'a strong dislike'. I didn't understand why it would be wrong to say that I  'hated' something..

When I was 13, I sat on our back hall stairs, sobbed into my arms, and screamed that I hated myself.

And when I cut myself for the first time, I screamed that everyone hated me.

And when my stepfather forced me on my knees and called me rat, I silently cried that I deserved to be hated.

And when he finally let me go inside, after he finished ripping out my insides, I cried because I hated being alive.

Hate is not a four letter word. A four letter word is something you say when you are upset or because you want emphasis. When I said hate, it is because I believed it.

Now, you may be thinking, 'What about when you say you hate your job? Or you hate your life? Or you hate some person. Usually, you are just saying that for emphasis!'

Truth. And this is where I caution you.

People will tell you all the time that you should never hate and that it is wrong to have that in your life. The truth is, you are going to hate things. It is normal. It is a part of life, a part of sorrow. We are all going to hate something or, sometimes, someone. Where the negativity comes into play is how you choose to deal with that hate, that feeling you carry. That is the destructive part - not the actual feeling! If you hate something but refuse to let it destroy you or manipulate you, then you are doing it right. However, when you let the hate breed and smolder and allow it to become revenge and bitter regret, that is where it becomes wrong.

Think carefully before you speak out, especially in anger. Save your words and save yourself. Don't say you hate your job if you don't really believe that - that fuels resentment. Don't say you hate something just because you want to use a strong word - that breeds discontent and hard feelings. And don't ever say you hate someone just because you are distressed - that destroys faith and trust and causes you to become a little more jaded.

It would be nice to live a life without hate. For me, the hate I have felt in my life was caused by things that happened to me - it was a part of me for a long time. To a degree, it still is. Ultimately, I chose to hate and I chose to forgive.

This is a delicate subject for me. I know plenty of people with good intentions who would explain to me that I should not hate and that there is no need for it. While I appreciate and understand their point of view, I insist that hate has a place. I hated being beaten, so I fought it. I hated being trapped, so I rebelled. I hated being hidden, so I learned to shine.

I hated being broken, so I learned how to bend. 

I hated feeling so much hate, so I learned how to forgive.

Like anything in life, hate must be used in moderation and consideration. It can be a positive thing - a tool to become a more enlightened, positive person.

IF it is used correctly.

What role does hate play in your life? How do you view it?

May the Frets be with you.


Please take some time to check out the other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Gravity

I wish I could fly. Just take off into that clear blue sky without a second thought. Spread my arms like a bird, or maybe go for the superman look. It would be super awesome.

Unfortunately, I'm an average human and I can't. It's that gravity thing.

Gravity is an interesting thing. While no, I can't fly, it does keep me from falling off the face of the earth. It keeps me from floating away into the great beyond and suffocating on the lack of oxygen. It keeps me stable. Solid. It also keeps me from doing retarded things because I already know that gravity will prevent it. Sometimes, I go ahead and be retarded anyway (remember, I'm an average human).

I think we have many types of 'gravity' in our lives. It could be work, health, family, children, etc. For me, I would have to say it would definitely be my fiance. He keeps me from doing some really crazy stuff (some of which I still do anyway). But he is always there to get me stable. Solid. My family also plays a huge part. I am constantly aware that I am being watched, scrutinized, and sometimes idolized by my younger siblings. I don't want to mislead them. They keep me stable. It is important to have healthy 'gravity' in our lives.

However, there is unhealthy 'gravity' too. It may keep us solid, but it keeps us so solid that we don't get to go anywhere or do anything. There is no growth. It could be work, drugs, family, etc. I will come clean here and tell you that my most unhealthy 'gravity' is my fear. The fears of my past haunt me, incessantly. They hold me in such a vice grip that it is almost impossible to move forward and let go.

But I fight it! And I fly, anyway, despite being an average human....

What is the 'gravity' in your life?

May the Frets be with you!


Please take some time to check out the other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Frightful Slumber

Thunder crashed within the night
And tore me from my dreams.
The rage it seethed filled me with fright,
As the metal lightening gleamed.
The rain came down in sharpened daggers,
Seeking destruction on the land.
With fear, my heart began to stagger
As I sought my lover's hand...
My beloved lay beside me,
Fair cheek pressed against my chest.
He appeared to dream quite soundly -
Completely undisturbed within his rest.
The thunder crashed, I grabbed him close
And weeped into his ear:
"Fair prince of mine, you love me so!
Please, do not leave me here!"
His strong arms came around me
And hugged me close against his frame
And cuddled me and held me
Til he whispered me my name:
"Sweet Nightingale," he spoke soothingly
"Please don't tremble at the storm.
I will not let it hurt you, lovely,
I will keep you safe and warm.
And please remember this, my sweet,
Though I depart for a little time,
I promise I will not leave
How can I? You possess my heart and mind."
So he held me til the storm subsided
And once again I dreamed.
"There is no need to be frightened."
My beloved softly breathed.
And so we two in warm embrace
Slept soundly the night through.
Naught disturbed our time and space
And I knew your love was true...


....


Sweet Prince of mine, be patient please
My past keeps catching up.
As we both know, I scare easily
And it is hard for me to stop.

But if I can see your smiling face
And hold your trusting hand,
I will walk with honor through these days
And I will find the strength to stand...

.....

Please take some time to check out other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Exhaustion

Unfortunately, I missed yesterday's blog post which covered the letter 'D'.

Today I find myself staring at a blinking line on my blog draft. This little line is waiting for me to type something.

Exhaustion.

That's the only thing I find myself typing.

At this moment in time, I feel nothing but defeat, betrayal, disappointment...exhaustion. My heart is heavy for words that do not come.

I have striven so hard for something, and what was it for? What is going to be remembered? My loyalty and dependability? The extra mile? The support?

Nope.

Well, maybe.

It will be remembered by the people who meant something and who watched me struggle alongside them. They know. They watched it all.

Maybe this exhaustion is worth it, after all.

Exhaust yourself for the right people.

Clocks

'BEEP BEEP BEEP!'

The obnoxious ringing emanating from my cellphone awakens me from my curious dreams. I slothfully roll over, activate the sleep mode, and close my bleary eyelids for ten more min....

'BEEP BEEP BEEP!'

Time to get up, and start the day. I have to get to work on time. I have to....

'BEEP BEEP BEEP!'

I hazily look at the time which registers at 5:00am. Time to get up. I forcibly raise my tired frame from the warmth of my luscious pillows and blankets. Time to get going. After all, that's what the clock says...

...

"My mother keeps harping at me, Lilly! When am I gonna have a child? When am I gonna make her a grandma? I'm not getting any younger. And we try and try but nothing happens! I don't have time for this! I am thirty years old now, and I should be holding a beautiful bouncy baby in my arms. That's what the clock says!"

...

"They are disappointed in me because I haven't graduated yet. I should have graduated last year, but I took that internship at the museum...they are still pissed about that one. But how can I tell them that I want to do something different? I don't want to be a doctor, I want to study history and be a professor! I don't want to stay in one place, I want to discover and learn and find things and travel while I am learning. But my father's patience is running out and  every time I see him, he taps his watch and tells me where my future lies. According to his clock, I am out of time..."

...

"My time has run out, it's ending now. The doctor says it will be really rough but that eventually I will just breathe out and pass. What's hardest is hearing the stifled whispers of my kids and grandkids when they come to see me. I can hear them outside my door asking how they should act or what they should say. Don't they know I just want them near me? I just want to hear them say they love me? That's all that matters now, it seems. So many regrets...so many blessings...I wish I had more time. I would give anything for just a little more time...but my clock isn't going to wind back up in the morning..."

...

All of our lives are spent revolving around time. Whether we admit to it or not, almost everything that we do is something we had to 'make' time for. This 'making time' ploy is exactly what gets us in to trouble. We will 'make time' for it another day. We will 'make time' for it later. People, there is no such thing as 'making time'. Time is it's own being. It cannot be stopped, swayed, startled, or created. We cannot make time! What we can do, however, is to make the most of the time we have. Don't wait until later, do it now! Now is all you have. There is nothing wrong with planning, scheduling, and saving, but if that is all you are doing then you are wasting your time. Where is there room for spontaneity? You can't plan that! Where is there room for creativity? You can't plan creativity!

More importantly, is there room for love? Can you plan love? Will you love your child or your spouse later, when there is time?
I urge you all to take some time every day or every week and shut off your clocks. Spend it with someone you love, or a hobby you adore. 'Make time' for something NOW!

Now is what you will remember, not something you will 'make time' for in the future...

May the Frets be with you.

Please take some time to check out the other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/

http://diaryofamotorhead.wordpress.com/

http://rsliwa.wordpress.com/

http://squeezingthefruit.blogspot.com/

http://heidibethbaker.weebly.com/blog/ages

Bonding

My fiance is a huge gamer. He plays everything from ps3 and Xbox 360 to super Nintendo and the original NES system. While I too enjoy gaming, I was never into it as much until we started dating. However, in his incessant need to monologue every game he has played in painful detail to me, something must have hit home.

Most couples I know enjoy date nights. I mean, who wouldn't? Go to dinner, see a movie, go bowling or maybe mini golfing. Yea, I remember those days. We used to do those things too. I know for some couples that's what gives them together time.

My fiance is my best friend. There is no equal. There is no one else I want to call first when I have good news or I am upset. There is no one else I would rather travel with, work with, or plan a future with. With him, I can truly display the raw skin of who I really am. There are no lies, no secrets, no masks or deception. He accepts me for me - all of me! And it goes the other way for him, as well.

Recently, he and I downloaded 'Super Metroid' onto our Wii. It is a super Nintendo game, and one I played with my mom and brothers when I was younger. I had not seen it in years. Like giddy children on Christmas morning, we scavenged the walmarts in our area trying to find the point card we needed. In agonizing impatience we watched the download bar on our tv screen. We high-fived and squealed when it was marked complete. My fiance could barely stand to wait - it was all he talked about all week! Yet, when the icon popped up on our homepage he took the remote...and gave it to me.

Because of some circumstances in my past, I do not have anything from my childhood. It has been something that has been hard for me to accept and deal with. Here, with this silly game, I was about regain something from my youth, and my fiance knew it. He handed me the remote and said, teasingly:

'Show me what ya' got, babe!'

Our jobs are demanding and even though I am coming home to work, we still will have plenty of time apart. At the end of the day it is so comforting to lay on the bed side by side,controller in hand, encouraging each other on, and occasionally looking up cheats on the internet. This is our bonding time at the end of the day, and how we relax.

I wouldn't have it any other way, and I would gladly forfeit any time out to instead be by his side.

May the Frets be with you.


Please check out some other blogs participating in the September challenge!

http://hangingoutandin.wordpress.com/2014/09/02/beauty-in-brokenness/