I'll Open Up To You

Every day, I close my door
To keep the people out.
It gets too loud and noisy here
And I forget what its about.
Sometimes I need a darkness--
An escape from the bright lights
So I close the door behind me
And disappear into the night.
But sometimes, I get lonely
In my quiet solitude,
And I wonder, would you join me
Within my tiny room?
You don't have to stay forever
Though I say, that would be nice.
I promise not to leave you
If you stay with me tonight.
I'll tell you fairy stories
And let you hold me close,
For to be truthful, darling,
You know I like you most.
It could be like a heaven
Here upon this earth,
Cause you're just like an angel
Who's given me new worth.
So, if you'd like to join me
You're more than welcome to
Just knock upon my doorway frame
And I'll open up to you.

Winter Fairies

I caught the winter fairies
And put them in a jar,
And they shimmered and they glistened
Just like a morning star.
Their wings were made of baby laughs
And sparkled in the sun,
And while I kept them locked up tight,
They whispered, "Winter, come!"
And so I let them fly away
To let their magic grow,
And when I woke within the night,
Dawn was covered in the snow.
The sun arose and tried to melt
The fairies' late night work,
Though some of it was washed away,
The rest remained unhurt.
They drew me pretty pictures
Upon my window glass,
Such fine, delicate symmetry--
Too fine for it to last.
Five years have passed since I've seen
A winter fairy's thumb.
But when the leaves fall from the trees,
I hear them whisper: "Winter, come!"

He...

The wind whispers evils in my ear,
The rain portrays my tears
The trees reach out their craggy claws
To feed me empty fears.

I must have strayed within my sleep
To lose myself this deep
The path is crooked, long and dark
With sadness there to reap.

My head is bruised, my hand is cut
I feel the blood is pouring but--

His voice whispers love within my ear,
Which pulls me back from here
His fierce warmth soothes my weary soul
And kills the empty fears.

Camaraderie

It saddens me, the way people change. You think you've got your best friends and good friends and that life can't change. You think they are always gonna be there for you, no matter what...but young people grow up, discover themselves, discover the people around them, and expand their horizons. Apparently if you're close, you expand with them, or at least are constantly informed of their next moves.

Not true. Over the course of the summer through to now, three of my best friends took flight and disappeared...College is a really big factor in this problem, as is work. We don't have time for each other any more...no more time for late night phone calls, constant texting, and sleepovers. We've become 'mini-adults' and our lives are based around money and education. Yet, another huge factor is romantic relationships.

Too often, way too often, when you get into a relationship, you forget about your friends. You get caught up in your puppy love and want to be with him/her all the time. Typically, a normal crush lasts about 4 months...4 months of ignoring your friends leads to a much longer time trying to make it up to them. This isn't easy at all, when your friend picks their date over you, even though you've been around longer. Granted, couples do need time together--but not at the expenses of losing their friends.

And sometimes, people just change... You grow up, you move on...but...

I miss my three friends so much. I know I am to blame just as much as anyone for the change and shift in our friendship. I too have spread my wings and gone into new regions. I have new people in my life, new friends, new problems, new solutions that my old friends are not apart of.

But check out that picture. See the camaraderie? I would give anything, absolutely anything to go back in time with my three friends to when we talked til three a.m., we texted all day, and we planned whole days together. I wish we could find some way to re-establish our closeness.

Hopefully, someday that will happen.

Learn from my lesson--keep your friends close--they are one of your most valuable possessions.

May the frets be with you.

Only If You Let It Be So...

We all know that I am madly, passionately in love with my guitars. They are the very essence of who I am and who I hope to become--elegant, beautiful, calming, cooperative, mysterious, charming, and pleasant. Yes, we all know I am in love with my guitars. This fact is nothing new.

I noticed something today, looking back at older posts. I noticed that when I write about my babies, I write as if they are people. They have genders, they have special qualities, and when I write of them, its almost sensuous. However, I know that almost every guitarist feels the same way. To them, just as to me, their instrument has a soul.

For me, love is not just a word, not just a feeling...it is a definition of the soul...and the definition of two souls becoming one. It makes me sad to see how this sacred word is thrown around nowadays. We no longer separate love from crush or attraction. True love is not based on the physical, it is based on the soul. Love is when you are willing to live or die for that one special person.

One Special Person. Not the new boy every week, not the new girl each night, but that one person you can't imagine living without. The one you go to both in moments of joy and moments of sadness. The one you can share life and beliefs with, where you can express your love of God, and have it be reciprocated. The one that understands you before you even begin. The one who looks out for you like no other, who corrects you when you're wrong, applauds you when you're right, stands by you through the storm, and is always there when you wake up in the morning. When you return their love with an unselfish love and take joy in bringing them pleasure and peace, you can't go wrong. When you love with an unselfish love, and put your special person first, the result is an amazing thing.

Its a beautiful thing.

I am madly, passionately in love with my guitars.

I couldn't live a day without them.

They are a part of my soul.

For their comfort and love, I give them safety and loving care.

Should it not be the same in a human relationship?

Life is too short to play with things like love. If you want a love that will last a lifetime, then wait for it...patiently....

Love transcends all physical boundaries.

But only...if you let it...be so.

May the frets be with you.

Did You Hear The Weights Fall?

Have you ever felt that feeling like your world has just been rocked and now you're standing sideways and you have to hold everything up to keep it from falling? If you haven't, then count your blessings, however stressful your life may be. Its not an experience you want to add to your collection of knowledge. If you have felt that feeling, then I hope you have a day, someday, like the days I had yesterday and today.

Vindication Day. The day when everything is made right...basically everything anyway. Your world is righted and you can safely put down your heavy weights. You're allowed to enter into a more 'normal' or at least quiet type of mood. I had my vindication day.

I'm feeling very inspired right now. Its the perfect time to be writing a song, pouring my soul out into the guitar. Its the perfect time to strike a beat to the rhythm of my heart, and to feel the strings beneath my fingers, bending at my will, the guitar body pressed close against mine, hugging me, reassuring me. Its the perfect time to let my mind, soul, and body to become one with the guitar and to be joined through the bonds of melody. Its the perfect time to fall in love with my guitar all over again, only deeper and more passionately. I long to feel the smooth touch and hear my baby's gentle voice. He's calling to me, begging me to play him and move him in the way that only I can. My eyes can roll close and my tones can become hushed if I let him carry me away into the place where only he and I go. So why, why am I still here when I could be wrapped up in melodious bliss?

That's a good question....

Adios!

May the frets be with you.

A Secret There I Keep...

I sat beneath the window sill
And whispered to the moon,
"I know that I am not alone
Within this tiny room.
My lover, he will come for me
Just watch--it will be so.
He will be here any time,
And with him I shall go.
Perhaps you think me foolish
To have such a design,
But I think you are just jealous, moon,
Because this lovers mine."
But deep inside my dreamy heart
A secret there I keep--
A shadow, just a whisper of,
The things I used to dream.
And as I sit below the moon,
Small questions fill my mind.
I will wait for you, my love,
But are you really mine....

Gone

The Dreamer:
I've gone into a regionWhere few have dared to go.
I left, my loves, at midnight
And trod the whitened stones.
Why did I leave, you ask me?
Lean close, I'll whisper in your ear.
I left because a heartbeat
Said he loved me, I was dear.
He met me in the silken dark
Upon a winged horse.
And when he asked, 'Come with me?'
I said, 'My dear, of course....'

To Stay, or Not to Stay

I am facing one of the most difficult decisions of my life. What four year college do I want to transfer to?

My major is music performance. I am finishing up my first year at Lakeland Community College, and have one year left until I transfer. I'm doing really well--I've got A's in every subject and I'm entering a speech competition in December as part of my speech class.

I have considered several local colleges. Some of them include Cleveland State, The John Carroll University, Kent State, and Lake Erie College. They are all fantastic colleges, and they are wise choices. However, none of them really have the music program I am looking for.

I started looking out of state. Some of my dearest family lives in New York. I originally thought of transferring to Dutchess Community College, where my cousin goes, and then transferring to Pace, a fantastic Christian college where several of my New York friends go. However, that didn't seem to be the right direction. My eyes were drawn to Pennsylvania, to a college called Messiah. I have yet another friend who goes there and he has a job as a DJ for the college's radio program. Messiah had me hooked for awhile--until I read that they mostly focus on chamber music. This isn't exactly my style.

My best friend, Debbie, told me about a different school, still in Pennsylvania, called Bible Bethel College. I am still hooked on this college. It has everything I am looking for. Good music, good studies, and best of all, I'd be getting the wholesome Bible influence that I sorely need.

My mind has been pretty much made up.

But, then I met this boy....

Yes, I know what you're thinking. She's gonna screw her life over a guy. Same old story, different storyteller.

Wait a tick. There is one more college on my mind. Its called Baldwin Wallace College, and it specializes in music. Several people have told me about it. Its incredibly expensive, so I would have to get a scholarship or grant, but I'm fairly certain I could do that.

Yet, my gut tells me that's the wrong choice.

I can't get Bible Bethel out of my mind. It just seems like the perfect place for me. I need to get away from my family for awhile. It would be such a good experience for me. To speak frankly, anything in Ohio I consider to be way too close to my family, especially my mom. I know she means well, but she worries too much and it gets on my nerves.

In short, I think I will continue with my plans and go to Bible Bethel. I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack from people...especially my Special Friend's friends. But I made these plans before I met him, and I'm not giving my passion up for anyone.

I already gave it up for 16 long years. Never again will I allow that to happen. And if my Special Friend understands at all...then he won't mind waiting. If he's half the man I think he his...then he'll encourage me to do my thing and own myself. He'll want me to accomplish my dream and then come back to him. Give and take. Its what a relationship is all about. If he doesn't do that, then it will be good for me to go far away to forget him.

Its time for me to spread my wings and fly.

May the frets be with you.

This is me, attempting to play this awesome song. As the credits show, I do not own this song, it is owned by the band 'Train'.

I've been trying to find my own style. I think I like the hat and jacket. It fits the bluesy-jazzy feeling. A lot of my own music fits this category. Eventually, I will get around to posting some of my own melodies. However, I want to make sure its safe.

This was a relatively easy song to learn. The melody is fairly simple. It took me about 30 minutes to learn.

Hopefully, you'll enjoy this.

May the frets be with you.

I think...

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Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame

So today I visited the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Lemme tell you, if you haven't been there, then you need to go!!

It was mind-blowing to see famous guitars--like Led Zepplin guitars, the guitar that John Lennon drew on, Bruce Springsteen guitars, the list is endless. I was in seventh heaven with the classic rock streaming in the back ground and oodles of music memorabilia.

But.

You know what turned me on the most? The notebooks. I was practically screaming when I was looking at the notebook pages of famous singers...the notebooks where their songs were first created. Guess what? Their lyrics were written down just like the way I write mine down. AND THEY DOODLED!!!!!! I know this must sound crazy to you, but I have a thing for seeing what famous songs once looked like. To see the scribbles and cross outs and doodles are inspiring to me. It reminds me that these songs made it through, and so mine have a pretty good chance as well, despite the eraser marks and dog ear corners.

I saw some pretty amazing things...costumes, which included Michael Jackson's infamous white glove, suits worn by The Who, authentic Mick Jagger weirdness, and a thousand other incredible looking outfits and accessories...and I watched a 15 minute film that showed the history of Rock and Roll, all the way back to the era when things were slow and steady, to the time of swing and jazz, past the rollicking country guitarists, up to Elvis, with that jet black hair and killer smile, and on to several bands which helped make the rock and roll sound famous.

It was a sensory overload. My mind and eyes and mouth (from stretching it too wide open) hurt like crazy when I finally walked out of there.

Rest assured, I'm going back.

May the frets be with you.

Under Pressure

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it is being pushed into something I do not want to do. I am a slow person. I like to understand all intents and meanings before making a move. I need to know what's going to happen afterward. I need to know who will be there, and who won't.

Unfortunately for me, I become easily attached to people--especially boys and young men. Its something I cannot control, although I've tried, and it happens before I even realize what's going on. It comes from that innate desire to be loved and accepted. I say it is unfortunate because of the many times my feelings have been exploited by others. I turn out to just be an ego boost, nothing more. While the attachment is going on, more times than not I am pressured into doing or saying something I don't really want to because I think that its the only way I will keep them. I think that it is the only way to be 'accepted'.

You see, I have this very real fear about not being good enough. I am not acceptable, I am not loveable, I am, at most, likeable, but only to a certain extent. Because I am honest enough to voice this fear, some people get the idea that they want to be my savior. They want to give me all that I've never had. This also is an ego boost. It has nothing to with me at all, its the good feeling it gives them that keeps them going. However, eventually their mood changes and because they have 'given' me so much, they feel that I should be giving back. In short, they pressure me into saying or doing something I do not want to do.

I have a real problem with people who throw the word 'love' around. Its wrong to use that sacred word for manipulation and control. Love is something that comes with time, knowledge, and experience. It comes from a deep foundation, a holy foundation created by the God of us all. The greatest gift, Jesus Christ, was given out of love. God did not use His love to pressure us into saying 'I love you' back. He gave us the free choice of saying yes OR no.

I may have never been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but I've been very close to people who have. I've watched firsthand what can happen when the relationship is built on the wrong reasons. I can guarantee you that I will not be taken in, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, abused, manipulated, fooled, and pushed into unwanted behavior. I am NOT a possession. I belong to no one, save Jesus Christ. I am my own person. I do not need a man.

In short, I'm tired of feeling pressured.

If you know me at all, then you should know that my faith is my most valued possession. I will not allow that to be compromised, even if it means giving up people or objects.

1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

He's looking out for me, you know, and if you don't fit in then you don't get in.

Proverbs 4:23:

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

I'm looking out too. I may not be made out of porcelain, but my heart is. Its delicate and can't afford to be handled by rough hands.

1 John 3:9:

No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.

See that? That means you better dare not pressure me because I'm good. I am 'of God'. I have no room nor time for sin.

2 Corinthians 2:11:

So that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.

I am most definitely not going to be sucked in by Satan. He's out to get me. Satan's a heck of a lot worse than any guy, so you can be sure that I will not be ignorant of their designs either.

John 10:10:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Jesus Christ rescued me from a horrible situation. He gave me my life back. He's taking care of me. He's watching out for me. He loves me. I'm not about to go and ruin it and give up the grace and love that He gave me and continues to give me on a daily basis.

Hebrews 11:1-40:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ...

I have great faith in my Father-God. He keeps me safe, gives me everything I need, and loves me like I'm His perfect jewel. I don't have to see Him. I feel Him. I know Him. I love Him.

2 Timothy 2:1-26:

You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. ...

I am strengthened by my LORD and Savior. He is perfect. He never pressures. He gives me free choice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, to all my friends out there and to my closest loved ones, quit pressuring me. Give me space. Give me time. I'm still trying to find myself. And if you really do love me, you'll respect that and back off.

I have a lot of love to give.

But I refuse to be pressured into giving it.

Today...

Today is my 20th Birthday.

I just want to say thank you to all my friends and family members for making it so special. I'm having a real party, going out with friends, and going on my first date. Could life possibly get better?

The answer is yes.

Life can only get better, even if I find out I'm getting fired, or if I flunk my next midterm, or if my date dumps me after today. Know why? I've got six brothers, a baby sister, a stellar mom, incredible grandparents, amazing aunts, uncles, and cousins, and five beautiful, life saving guitars.

Here's a special thank you to my five babies, my guitars: Couldn't have gotten here without you.

I love to pick the guitar up and strum away on it...to get carried away into the sounds and feelings of the moment...to become completely oblivious to my surroundings.

Right now in my life, I've got way too much going on. I get busy with people and events and business. I neglect my guitar, my baby, and he sits in a corner all alone. The dust begins to settle on his features making his once radiant face dull and dim. His voice that used to thrill my heart, is now silent and begins to deteriorate. The curves of his body that once hugged mine, are cold and distant. He becomes lost in the shadows of time and space. Has he become a thing of the past? Where has the passion in our relationship gone? Where is the longing to touch him, to feel him every single day? And the days go on, and I remain busy.....

But when i look his way, when i dare to set aside my life, I feel the old longing and the spark of desire. As I draw near to him, my arms begin to ache to hold him; its been far too long. He looks at me as I pull him close. The dusty look of reproach does not escape me; however, as I hug my body to his, the love and understanding come rushing back to us both. My Guitar and I become one again, and we are joined through the bonds of melody.

The glory of music is amazing and wondrous. I left it for too long, I shall never leave it again.

May the frets be with you.

Made For Music

Made For Music

I remember holding my first guitar. It was a Blueridge guitar with yellowed wood and ornate decorations on the head and fret board. It was a hardcase guitar; therefore, it was very heavy. But, oh, the sounds; thick, rich, deep tones that caused goose bumps to rise up on my flesh. My eyes rolled closed as the gentle tones washed over me. I fell in love with that guitar. It has helped feed my passion.

There are a lot of things I can do well. I can cook, babysit, sing, and get along with people. I’m a diverse person—I like to do all kinds of things. However, there is only activity that I can do beautifully. Playing the guitar is my passion because it is an extension of my soul; it is my whole life.

Playing the guitar excites me because I know I am good at it. It gives me real pride. I can play whatever I want, if I have the music, and I can play in any key. Though I write most of my own melodies, I love to learn new music simply because I know I can.

The guitar stimulates my brain. I’ve been teaching myself for one year and two months. Learning guitar chords came quite easily to me at first, but the more complicated ones that involved four fingers were a real challenge. I have had to practice over and over to accomplish smooth transitions from chord to chord. I also play fingerstyle. That is also difficult to do, using each finger to pick a different string. I had to develop extremely good coordination in order to fingerpick. I still have trouble making my fingers go where I want them to.

I get great peace from my music. I am a very busy person. I constantly have things going on. Sometimes I just need a time out. I grab my guitar and sit on the floor of my bedroom with the lights off, and play my heart out. I play my own music when I feel this way; if I feel sad, my guitar cries out a mournful tune. If I’m happy, it sings like a bird. If I just am, then it just is, too. It’s hard to find music written by other people that suits every single mood I may have. It’s easier to write my own. Angry music is dark, harsh, deep notes that remind me of thunder. If I mix lighter notes in every once in awhile, I get the impression of lightning. Happy music is light and airy; gentle notes that are springy and high. Sometimes they paint a picture of a blue sky with no clouds; sometimes of laughing children.

Playing the guitar helps to keep me from dying of boredom. I don’t have many friends. I basically hang out with myself or with my five brothers. I get bored quite easily. However, no matter how long you’ve been playing, there is always something new to learn with the guitar. It may be a new song, a new chord, maybe even just a new note, but there is always something. Therefore, on days when everyone else is busy and I am alone, I occupy myself with my guitar. I have learned to play songs just by hearing them on the radio. I can even play along to My Savior, My God while it’s playing on the radio.

A guitar is a tool. I can impact people through my music. When I hold the guitar, I hold great power. I am able to get my ideas and beliefs across to people. I can make people cry, or make them laugh. I can make people think. I have written songs about religion, politics, and people. I have made people cry when I sing to them about children who are refused and unloved. I make them laugh with absurd songs that have no meaning at all, or when I sing about what it’s like to live with five brothers. I can make them think about their life and how they live. I can influence them for good or for bad. Everyone one listens to music at some point in their lives. My music is just getting out there, and I want to make a difference. It’s a great responsibility. I have to be very conscious of how I write things.

The guitar is how I express myself. I can say things through music when I lack the right words to speak. Give me a simple question and I’ll answer you with a simple melody. The guitar provided me a way to dance with my heart when I was forbidden to dance with my body. It is a part of me. My heart races when I pick the guitar up. My eyes roll close as my fingers slide over the strings. It’s like it almost understands me, and it bends beneath my will and my fingertips, never resisting. My music comes straight from my soul and projects itself through my guitar. One of my favorite things to say is: “Guitars are beautiful until you play them—and then they become majestic!”

Very recently, I was in an audition held by the national talent scout, Kim Myers. I was scared to death because I had to convince her I was good in less than a minute. I have performed several times for groups of strangers. Lots of people have told me that I am good, but she was a professional who had been in the business for years. Her opinion mattered a great deal. When I was through, her exact words were: “I really liked you. And I’m loving that guitar!” Her words have cemented my passion even more firmly in my heart. The guitar is an important part of my life. I could not live without my music and my guitar. I can only sum it up with one of my own songs:

How I Breathe

Writing a song is how I breathe,

It’s like a fresh wind from a salty sea.

It’s like opening up a door of rainbow colors

That never existed before.

Writing a song is how I breathe.

Blind

Big decisions are hard to make; especially when you know they will completely change your life. Thank God for my music! It keeps me sane in this crazy world.

hmmmmmm

So did I do it right?