Under Pressure

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it is being pushed into something I do not want to do. I am a slow person. I like to understand all intents and meanings before making a move. I need to know what's going to happen afterward. I need to know who will be there, and who won't.

Unfortunately for me, I become easily attached to people--especially boys and young men. Its something I cannot control, although I've tried, and it happens before I even realize what's going on. It comes from that innate desire to be loved and accepted. I say it is unfortunate because of the many times my feelings have been exploited by others. I turn out to just be an ego boost, nothing more. While the attachment is going on, more times than not I am pressured into doing or saying something I don't really want to because I think that its the only way I will keep them. I think that it is the only way to be 'accepted'.

You see, I have this very real fear about not being good enough. I am not acceptable, I am not loveable, I am, at most, likeable, but only to a certain extent. Because I am honest enough to voice this fear, some people get the idea that they want to be my savior. They want to give me all that I've never had. This also is an ego boost. It has nothing to with me at all, its the good feeling it gives them that keeps them going. However, eventually their mood changes and because they have 'given' me so much, they feel that I should be giving back. In short, they pressure me into saying or doing something I do not want to do.

I have a real problem with people who throw the word 'love' around. Its wrong to use that sacred word for manipulation and control. Love is something that comes with time, knowledge, and experience. It comes from a deep foundation, a holy foundation created by the God of us all. The greatest gift, Jesus Christ, was given out of love. God did not use His love to pressure us into saying 'I love you' back. He gave us the free choice of saying yes OR no.

I may have never been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but I've been very close to people who have. I've watched firsthand what can happen when the relationship is built on the wrong reasons. I can guarantee you that I will not be taken in, lied to, cheated on, disrespected, abused, manipulated, fooled, and pushed into unwanted behavior. I am NOT a possession. I belong to no one, save Jesus Christ. I am my own person. I do not need a man.

In short, I'm tired of feeling pressured.

If you know me at all, then you should know that my faith is my most valued possession. I will not allow that to be compromised, even if it means giving up people or objects.

1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

He's looking out for me, you know, and if you don't fit in then you don't get in.

Proverbs 4:23:

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

I'm looking out too. I may not be made out of porcelain, but my heart is. Its delicate and can't afford to be handled by rough hands.

1 John 3:9:

No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God.

See that? That means you better dare not pressure me because I'm good. I am 'of God'. I have no room nor time for sin.

2 Corinthians 2:11:

So that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.

I am most definitely not going to be sucked in by Satan. He's out to get me. Satan's a heck of a lot worse than any guy, so you can be sure that I will not be ignorant of their designs either.

John 10:10:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Jesus Christ rescued me from a horrible situation. He gave me my life back. He's taking care of me. He's watching out for me. He loves me. I'm not about to go and ruin it and give up the grace and love that He gave me and continues to give me on a daily basis.

Hebrews 11:1-40:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ...

I have great faith in my Father-God. He keeps me safe, gives me everything I need, and loves me like I'm His perfect jewel. I don't have to see Him. I feel Him. I know Him. I love Him.

2 Timothy 2:1-26:

You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus, and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. An athlete is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules. ...

I am strengthened by my LORD and Savior. He is perfect. He never pressures. He gives me free choice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, to all my friends out there and to my closest loved ones, quit pressuring me. Give me space. Give me time. I'm still trying to find myself. And if you really do love me, you'll respect that and back off.

I have a lot of love to give.

But I refuse to be pressured into giving it.