A Re-Imagining

I don't know how many people read my blog. I don't know if I reach anyone or if my ramblings remain mostly hidden and unnoticed in the vast inter-webs of the Internet. At first, I never cared. In fact, I preferred a certain level anonymity because I often felt so exposed after writing a blog post. This sharing of myself with unseen eyes was a frightful thing and it left me feeling so vulnerable. Sometimes I still feel that way. My hands get shaky and my heart races and I panic and think 'oh, I shouldn't have written that!', but I calm myself and remember that it's ok. What's done is done.

I am a private person. I have to like you an awful lot to spill my guts to you. I guard myself night and day, waiting for a surprise assault. I can predict every possible thing that could go wrong. My fiancee would tell you that I have an extreme distaste for chairs facing away from the window. I like to sit in corners where I can see everything and still have an escape route. I have several plans in place in case a mysterious person showed up and tried to kill me. Paranoia? You don't know the half of it. I keep my secrets like I keep myself - guarded and away from exposing areas.

And here I am - completely disregarding everything I just typed and sharing a part of myself. It's still safe, though, because I use a different name and don't post where I am from. You know me as Ravven.

Ravens are beautiful birds. They live an average of 21 years in the wild (some up to 40 in captivity!), they have an omnivorous diet and are opportunistic in regards to finding food. The raven has also been proven to be unusually intelligent and has been romanticized by great authors including Edgar Allen Poe. When a raven mates, it mates for life and if their mate dies, they live a life in solitude.

There is a dark romance to a raven. To the general population they are pests, but to the right person they are a majestic creature surrounded in mystery and darkness. It takes a special person to see the beauty and awe in a raven.

My mother used to call me Canary when I was growing up. The canary is typically bright yellow and can sing the most beautiful tunes. They are positively lovely and the species makes an excellent pet. They are good with kids and are easy to handle. My mother called me Canary because I was a bright child who liked to sing and dance and be graced by the sunlight.

Somewhere along the line, the Canary grew up and lost her luster and stopped craving for the sunlight.

In our lives we experience things that change us. They aren't all bad changes, but regardless of that we become a different person. I grew up and became a different person.

I am an unconventional beauty but it took me a long time to realize that. I still love to sing. I still love to dance. Of course I am still me and deep inside, somewhere, the canary still tweets.

And yet...
 
I hate myself. There, I said it. Don't tell me I am wrong, I know that! I hate myself because I have no self confidence. I let opportunities pass me by all the time. I blame others for my lack of action and then am disgusted for being so gutless.  I hate that even though I can put on a good face, deep inside I am quaking at this thing called 'friendship' because I know somewhere along the line I will do something unintentional and mess it up. I want to do the right thing so bad and yet I second guess every step of the way. I still care about what other people think even though I will swear that 'I'm not about that life.' And I am so afraid of myself and who I am that I would rather hide behind a screen, in the dark because what if I fail? What if I embarrass myself? I don't know your world! I don't know how to be something I am not! I don't even now who I am!

And then I realized - this is my chance! A chance to re-imagine myself. A chance to change all of that and use it to my advantage. A chance to use my darkness not to cast shadows but to provide shade. A chance to use my tangled scars not to provoke confusion but to provide a road map to a better place. A chance to use my paranoia not to save myself but to save others.

My wingtips blackened from the night, caught the wind and caught the light
And whisked me from the hands that wished to stake my soul.
That place became my burial site, for a brand new Ravven came to life
And when they question what my name and life is called heretofore,
I answer, 'I am Ravven, evermore.
I shall be broken nevermore!' 

I re-imagined myself.

And Ravven was born - strong, beautiful, majestic Ravven, a triumph of her past and a Guardian of the Lost.

I don't know how many people see this, but I do care now, because wherever you are along the road of Life, it is never to late to re-imagine yourself! You can change the very fabric of your soul, the very entity of your being! Today when I walk away from this blogpost, I am not going to have shaky hands or baited breath. I am going to go sit at the window and take in the sun. I am not going to imagine my death, I am going to imagine my life.

I am powerful.

So are you.

Re-imagine yourself.

You are so much more than what you give yourself credit for.

I will not live in fear or darkness.

Will you?


May the Frets be with you.